"So you've met this guy?" Ichigo asked as Renji led him through the maze of Seireitei streets. Ichigo would have to know this way himself soon, and Renji didn't envy him how little time he had to learn it. "Did you like him? What's he like?"

"If you ask that one more time I'm gonna kick your ass and you won't ever get to meet your damn vice-captain because you'll be bleeding to death in the street," Renji growled.

Ichigo snorted. "You're not even wearing Zabimaru."

Renji bared his teeth. "Yeah, and you suck at kidou."

"So do you!"

"But I don't suck as bad you, so accept it and shut the hell up about stupid shit you'll find out about in a few minutes anyways," Renji snapped. He didn't look at Ichigo. Hiding his unholy glee at keeping the kid in the dark was getting more difficult by the moment. ( This had better be worth it. )

Ichigo drums his fingers on his desk and wishes Rukia would have used one of the showers in the main barracks and not the one attached to their private office. Granted, he hadn't gone home to shower himself, and she always uses that one when she showers while she's on duty, and it's her office too and why should she shower with the underlings, hell, what if Skippy's around?

But.

But he is trying to focus on paperwork and not twenty minutes ago she'd had her hand on – on – and now she's in there naked! And he, he doesn't know what to think about that. It's not that he's sitting here picturing the water running down her skin, dark hair lying heavy on her neck… it's, what it is, is…

…it's just the knowing that she's naked only a few feet away and he can barely process what just happened, never mind whatever the hell is supposed to come next.

Probably he shouldn't think about it at all. He has work to do, after all. Work that does not involve thinking bad wrong thoughts about Rukia. Thoughts that make that weird thing happen in his stomach that he is calling the result of, of nerves and weirdness, even though he has a sneaking suspicion it's happiness. Which is absurd.

Responsibilities. Right. He flips over a sheet of paper. And completely fails to read it.

( Good morning, Captain! )

"I think you will find you have made a very wise decision, Byakuya," Ukitake said with a smile.

Byakuya did not look up from his paperwork.  "You sound as though you know this is to happen," he said.  "It may be that nothing comes of it."

Ukitake beamed at the top of Byakuya's head.  "Of course," he said, waving a hand dismissively, "of course, I may have been bothering you these past few weeks for nothing.  But I don't think that will be the case.  Your sister is not as afraid of you as she used to be."

That got Byakuya to look up.  "Rukia has no reason to fear me."

"Exactly!"  Ukitake grinned.  "And really, I think Ichigo-kun will be—"

"Enough," Byakuya said sharply, returning his attention to his paperwork. "You have what you wanted, Captain Ukitake.  If there is nothing else you need from me, then go."

Ukitake kept his laughter contained until he was out of Byakuya's office. 

***

"There is no question that you are the best person for the job, Kuchiki.  No one on the committee will argue against that."

Kuchiki halted her pacing and gave Ukitake a hard look.  "My brother is on the committee."

Ukitake smiled at her.  "Kuchiki, surely you realize by now that your brother has full confidence in your abilities.  He simply worries for you."

For a moment she continued to meet his eyes.  Then she shook her head and resumed her slow pacing.  "Then why—" She stopped again, closing her eyes for a moment, then continued, "I appreciate your confidence, Captain, but… to make such a leap…"

"Do you believe you could do it?"

She raised her chin just slightly – a cold, delicate motion that was very like her brother.  "Of course.  I would not consider the position otherwise."

Ukitake nodded.  "Do you want it, Kuchiki?"

She didn't look at him.  "I do." 

Ukitake watched her for a moment, brushing one hand over the finger grooves that had never quite been polished out of his desk.  Gently, he said, "It is only your safety and happiness that concern your brother.  If this is the path that will bring you those things…"

Kuchiki looked at him then, and smiled.  "Yes," she said.  "Thank you, Captain."

***

"Nii-sama." Rukia gently slid aside the door to her brother's office.  "Do you have a moment?"

"Certainly."

It still surprised her sometimes to see her brother set aside his work just to talk to her.  Today she found it both encouraging and intimidating.  "Thank you, nii-sama."  She took a deep breath.  "I… members of the Captain's committee that was selected to choose Ichigo's vice-captain have mentioned to me that my name was among those submitted for consideration.  I know that the responsibilities of such a position could place me in greater danger than I regularly face in my current position, and that… you worry for my safety even now, and so would not wish for me to receive this promotion.  And it would be within your rights to tell the committee I am not suitable for the position."

He watched her impassively, hands folded gracefully on his desk.

Rukia forced herself to hold completely still, and continued, "But I believe I am capable of doing the job well – I believe I would do it better than any of the other candidates, because I understand Ichigo better than anyone the committee could possibly be considering.  He listens to me… mostly.  He might not listen to another vice-captain, and… his unique acquisition of power means that he will need a great deal of guidance when he assumes his duties.  And… and I would worry, were he left on his own." 

Her brother was still silent.  Rukia looked down.  Her heart was pounding and she wanted to flee, but she was so tired of being held back.  She could not give up yet.  She raised her eyes.

"What is it you want from me?" he said as soon as her eyes met his.

"Ah…" Rukia blinked.  "I would like to ask that you allow the committee to consider me as they would anyone else, and if I am chosen, to allow me to accept the position of vice-captain of the 15th division."

"I see."

That was a dismissal.  Rukia set her palms on her thighs and opened her mouth to say she understood he would need time to consider this, but before she could make a sound, her brother stood.  She froze in surprise.

"You wish to serve under Kurosaki?  As vice-captain?"

His face was unreadable and she wondered if he were going to rebuke her for this betrayal, but she said, "Yes, nii-sama," anyway.

He nodded.  "Then I will recommend that the committee select you for the position."

"I—"  she stopped, schooling her expression carefully until the shock faded.  Then she allowed herself a small, hopeful smile.  "You will?"

He said nothing, and it was hard to be sure, but she believed his face was a little less stern. 

"Thank you!"  She knew her smile was growing to undignified proportions, but there was no helping it.  She bowed deeply.  "Thank you, nii-sama.  This is much more than I thought – thank you for trusting in my judgment and abilities.  I will not disappoint you."

"See that you do not," he said, and sat back in his chair. 

***

"Rukia-chan seems happy,"  Shunsui said, tipping back as he drained his saké dish until he fell, gently, into the grass.  He did not, Ukitake noticed, spill a drop.  He never did.

"Yes," Ukitake agreed, "she does.  I admit I will miss having her in the offices, but I believe this arrangement will be best for everyone."

"Even Byakuya?"

"Especially Byakuya.  Seeing his sister's happiness is the closest he allows himself to come to having any himself."

"I don't know, I think Kurosaki is getting the most out of the deal."

Ukitake laughed.  "Eventually, my friend," he said.  "Eventually."

When Rukia awakes she finds herself, not for the first time, in the heart of Sereitei, sprawled over Ichigo's chest in the middle of the street.

"Not again," she groans, and tries to sit up.

In the process, her elbow digs into Ichigo's ribcage, and he wakes with a groan. "…Ungh," he says, trying to sit up himself, which knocks Rukia to the ground.

"Idiot," she says, and remains stretched out on her back where she landed. The paving stones are harder than Ichigo's chest but they are less lumpy and she has a crick in her lower back, the same place she always gets it when this happens. ("Your chest is a very uncomfortable bed," she'd told Ichigo the first time they woke up like this. "Then you shouldn't have slept there," he'd snapped, and Rukia had to concede that that was a fair point. She always meant to sleep somewhere else the next time.) She tries to breathe the cramp away and stares up at the sky. It is earlier in the day than it usually is when they wake up like this; that's something, at least.

Not that this happens all the time. An officer of the Gotei 15 should not be displaying such unbecoming behavior. Of course, in the little over a year she has been an officer of the Gotei 15, Rukia has learned that there is no one more likely to succeed in getting her – and her captain – drunk than her fellow officers.

( She and Ichigo had both agreed not to drink so much at last night's officer party... )

The weeks between demonstrating his bankai to technically make captain and actually being instated were some of the longest of Ichigo's… death.

When he'd been stuck here before, half the people he knew were stuck in the hospital, and the other half were visiting them. It had been… busy. But now everyone else had duties to perform.

"Normally you'd continue with your usual duties until you're actually instated," Rukia had explained on the morning after the test, before she went off to do her own job. ( But since you don't actually have any... )

For the first six years, everyone in the division and out of it knows the story.

But then the first class whose members were still largely living in Rukongai when everything went down graduates from the academy, and suddenly every new recruit is arriving at the division wondering if the rumors are true.

After the first time, Ichigo declares Skippy forbidden from attempting to set the record straight. Skippy still finds ways to suggest his own ideas about what happened, of course, but at least some of the others run preemptive damage control.

The rumors are close enough to the truth for the first few decades. Yes, Kawazoe explains coldly to each crop of rookies (they always have Kawazoe do it now – Makoto and Miharu and even Hanatarou are better than Skippy, but they're all inclined to get a little sentimental about the story), your captain was a shinigami before he died. Yes, your vice-captain was almost executed for making him one and yes, he broke into Soul Society to save her. You can see for yourselves that he succeeded.


I heard he had a team of Quincies with him, someone will say, tentatively.

He had three human companions with him, but only one was a Quincy, Kawazoe answers. He visits once in a while. You're not to stare.

I heard he was born with bankai.

The captain had to train to achieve bankai, just like everyone else.

I heard he beat a bunch of captains without even being trained, they'll say, and later: I heard he killed all the captains.

He didn't kill anyone, Kawazoe will say sharply. Not one shinigami died at the hands of Captain Kurosaki while he was a ryoka, nor at the hands of his companions. He simply defeated the people who stood in his way; namely Captains Kuchiki, Zaraki, and Abarai – though Abarai was only a vice-captain at the time. You will notice all three are still very much alive.


Some of them will look relieved as Kawazoe discredits the rumors. More will look let down. Kawazoe doesn't feel guilty for disappointing them; he does not think it benefits anyone to have the troops caught up in hero-worship of the captain, so he does his best to convince them that Kurosaki Ichigo is a captain just like any other.

Unfortunately, there are still those things that the rumor mill gets right.

Does he really walk around with his sword in its first level released state all the time?

He does.

I heard he made Captain within a week of his death!

Kawazoe sighs. Within a week of his death, yes. But remember he had been a shinigami for some time before he died.

People say he destroyed Soukyouku all by himself.

He stopped it with his zanpakutou once, Kawazoe will say. But just once. Captains Ukitake and Shunsui actually destroyed it. The recruits will frown skeptically. They are sure this rumor comes from reliable sources. Kawazoe will glare and admit that Captain Kurosaki destroyed the stand.


I heard he's some kind of monster, they'll start saying after a decade or two. I heard that only Kuchiki can control him. That that's why she's his vice-captain.

Kawazoe will raise his eyebrows and say with some force, Captain Kurosaki is certainly not a monster. Vice-Captain Kuchiki is his friend and he trusts her advice, but she does not control him.

Some grumpy young kid in the back will pipe up, I heard she should really be the captain, but he stole her power.

Once, Kawazoe will answer, long ago, when they first met, the Captain did borrow Vice-Captain Kuchiki's power. But it was freely given, and given back. His power has been his own since the first time he set foot in Soul Society. Kawazoe does not mention that Vice-Captain Kuchiki has turned down further promotion more than once.

I heard Kuchiki house still won't let them get married!

Kawazoe will resist rolling his eyes, and phrase his answer carefully: the captain and vice-captain have never expressed any interest in getting married.

I bet it's because she's always kicking him, someone will grumble, usually a tough-looking guy trying to hide his disappointment.

That part may be true, Kawazoe will concede. In later years he'll have to hide a smile.


Kawazoe knows that the rumors he dismisses are just the tip of the iceberg – the recruits rarely have the courage to mention the really wild ones. Sometimes one or two will come up to him after he's dismissed the room, and ask nervously, is it true that the Kuchikis abandoned the vice-captain in Rukongai when she was born because she was so wild? And that she came back for revenge?

Vice-Captain Kuchiki grew up in Rukongai because she died young in the mortal world. Why Kuchiki house adopted her is their own business, but she is on excellent terms with them.

A gentle-looking boy will step up and whisper, was the captain's mother really a Hollow?

Of course not.

Did Vice-Captain Kuchiki really kill the old vice-captain?

Vice-Captain Kuchiki has been the vice-captain of this division as long as Kurosaki has been captain. There has been no one else since before the division was retired a century ago, Kawazoe will answer. He knows where this rumor comes from, knows about Shiba Kaien. But that is not his story to tell.

The captain trusts him, and so Kawazoe gives the recruits the most accurate information he can. But he knows there are many more things he cannot tell them. They'll learn soon enough. They always do.

"I heard she gave him her powers because she fell in love with him at first sight, and wanted him to be able to see her."

"No way! He totally fell in love with her first, and became a shinigami to be near her! That's why he came to rescue her and stuff."

"Besides, who would fall in love with Captain Kurosaki first?"

"What? He's totally hot!"

"Ooooh, Kanisawa has a cru~ush!"

"Shut up!"

"Make me!"

[sound of scuffling]

"By DOSE!"

"You deserved it!"

"Come on, guys…"

***

"He totally kept the vice-captain locked in his closet for like, months."

"No he didn't…"

"Did! I heard it too, from Yumiko-chan, and she knows someone in the division. She said she heard he never let her out, not once."

"I bet he did all kinds of immoral things to her."

"Ew, that's gross!"

"And when she finally escaped, he chased her all the way to Soul Society. They put her in the Senzaikyu to protect her from him."

"Didn't work very well, did it?"

***

"That guy? I bet he's sleeping with the Captain of the 9th."

"Abarai? No way! I heard they fight all the time."

"They DO! I saw them once. All up in each other's faces! Sexual tension you could cut with a knife."

"Wow, really?"

"I swear. And he's definitely gay. I hear he CRIES at the sight of breasts."

***

"I think he's some kind of experiment of Captain Mayuri's that escaped."

"You're an idiot."

"Think about it! He can't be a normal shinigami, they made him a Captain like two days after he died!"

"I think it was a little longer than that…"

"The point is, he's a freak! They say Captain Kuchiki killed him twice and he just kept coming back!"

"I did hear that the traitor cut him in half and he just kept on fighting."

"Yes! Exactly! Doesn't that sound a little zombie-ish to you?"

"It's freaky, Takahashi, but I haven't heard anything about him eating any brains."

"I don't think it's safe to have a zombie in the Gotei 13."

"Oh, and what are you gonna do about it?"

"…Just watch out for him. And one day, when we get out of here, when we're strong enough, we'll take him out for the good of Soul Society!"

"Yeah right. Zombie or not, he'll kick your ass!"

"Not in a few decades, he won't!"

"He destroyed the Soukyouku with his BARE HANDS! You're never gonna be that strong!"

"Shut up! Just because I'm not a ZOMBIE!"

***

"Did you know Kuchiki Rukia was adopted?"

"Midori was saying that the other day. But why would the Kuchikis adopt someone?"

"She must be someone's illegitimate kid."

"Whose? CAPTAIN Kuchiki's?"

"I dare you to go say that outside his office."

"NO WAY. Anyway, who else could it be?"

[moment of silence]

"…who do you think slept with him?"

"Ugghhhh, nobody! He's FREAKY."

"I dare you to go say that outside his office."

"I dare you to shut up!"

***

"Didn't Kurosaki slaughter the Central 46?"

"No, that was that Aizen dude."

"That's what they SAY. But didn't they all get killed right when Kurosaki showed up?"

"I guess."

"And you really think that's coincidence?"

***

"I heard that guy beat up the whole 11th division at once, just for fun."

"Even the captain?!"

"The captain first! He didn't even release his zanpakutou."

"That can't be right, moron, doesn't he walk around with his zanpakutou released all the time?"

"Oh yeah."

[snickering]

"Well – well, I guess he just, he didn't use his bankai! But I mean STILL. The whole 11th! I think it was his morning warm up."

"Hmph. I bet he didn't really beat them. He probably tricked them all into fighting each other. It wouldn't be that hard."

"Watanabe!"

"Either that or he was on drugs."

***

"Kuchiki's not his original vice-captain, you know."

"What? Of course she is, she's the one he slaughtered half of Soul Society to rescue and whatever."

"No, I know, but he picked some other dude first, I forget his name. And she KILLED him. I kid you not, Kuchiki was so fuckin' jealous someone else got the promotion she up and killed the guy, her own vice! So now she's the vice-captain."

"Scary…"

"You have no idea. They went out together one night, and only she came back. And when they went to look for him, all they found was a PILLAR OF ICE. In the shape of a body, with the face all twisted in pain."

"Okay, now you're just making shit up."

"No, no, it's true! And they say his ghost still walks the streets of Sereitei, seeking vengeance…"

"WE are ghosts, idiot!"

***

"I hear that before he came to Soul Society, he was training with the crazy exile."

"Which one?"

"Heh. Uh, the Urahara guy."

"The BABYEATER?"

"Ew! …I wonder if Captain Kurosaki eats babies now."

"I bet he gets them from the 12th."

"I bet he goes back to earth and has babyeating festivals when no one's looking."

"Do you think Kuchiki goes, too?"

"I bet Captain Kuchiki does."

"Do you think they go together?"

"But the captain HATES Kurosaki!"

"I dunno, man. Eating babies makes you do strange stuff."

***

1. Not allowed to replace my Captain's shampoo with black hair dye.
   
2. "Seated officer" does not mean an officer to be used as a chair, no matter how tired my legs are.  
3. Not allowed to arrange battles to the death between my Captain and the Captain of the 11th Division. 
   
4. Not allowed to sell tickets to said battle.
   
5. My zanpakutou is not a culinary tool.
   
6. Not allowed to let my zanpakutou guard my post on his own.
   
7. I was not the Emperor of America when I was alive. 
   
8. My Captain's haori does not look better in pink. Pink clashes with his hair.
   
9. Strawberries are not appropriate material for dartboard construction.
   
10. Not allowed to tell new recruits that the Vice-Captain likes to be greeted with a kick to the head. That only worked for the Captain. 
    
11. It is still gender discrimination to tell the new female recruits that 10th Division Vice-Captain Matusmoto's robes are regulation standard even if I do it to see the Captain freak out as much as to see their cleavage.
    
12. When performing soul burials, I may not tell the Plus ghosts that they are going to the land of Moog, ruled by the Morally Ambiguous Overlord Zan.
    
13. My Vice-Captain is not an armrest, even if she is the right size for it.
    
14. A pillow fort in the corner of the division offices is not an Emergency Aizen Fallout Shelter.
    
15. Putting on the hair noodles does not make me a noble. And they're called keisenkan, not hair noodles.
    
16. Take off the hair noodles.
    
17. The Hamster Dance is not a high-level demon arts attack to confuse my enemies.
    
18. I am not authorized to give special guest lectures at the Academy.
    
19. Not allowed to visit the Academy to see the first-years off on their very first field mission and write down their last words. 
    
20. A Quincy cape is not a Shinigami uniform accessory, even if I paid good money for it.
    
21. Not allowed to take the wallets from corpses on whose ghosts I have just performed soul burials, even though they won't be needing them anymore anyway.
    
22. Maniacal laughter is not an appropriate response to receiving a promotion.
    
23. Just because the Captain runs around with his sword in its first level released state does not mean I can, no matter how funny it is to see people bouncing around the division offices.
    
24. Not allowed to wear a skeleton mask and a hood and modify my zanpakutou's hilt to make it look like a scythe when I go to perform soul burials on Americans, to make them "feel more at home."
    
25. 4th Division Captain Unohana was trying to heal my concussion, not eat my brain.
    
26. When a superior officer gives me an order, "are you INSANE?" is not the correct response.
    
27. I cannot claim the Captain's desk in the name of England, not even if I brought a flag.
    
28. Zangetsu is not a pimp, and no, I cannot borrow his coat.
    
29. No one wants to buy my soul.
    
30. Not allowed to address my Captain by any of the terms my Vice-Captain uses to address him, especially not idiot, moron, dumbass, fool, simpleton, lummox, brat, or asshole, not even when he is being those things.
    
31. When another Shinigami calls for backup, they are not advising me to retreat.
    
32. Not allowed to have my squad defect to the Hollow's side, not even to give it a sporting chance.
    
33. Not allowed to create a new division and name myself Captain.
    
34. Not allowed to train Hell Moths to address 11th Division members as "assbandits."
    
35. Sock puppets cannot be enrolled in the Academy, whether or not they have spiritual power.
    
36. Not allowed to organize protests to defend the rights of sock puppets.
    
37. Not allowed to perform my duties blindfolded. 
    
38. I am not our last defense against Aizen's hypnosis.
    
39. Posters depicting proper dental hygiene, hung in the Captain's office, are not funny.
    
40. Neither are posters explaining the potential dangers of nitrus oxide. It doesn't matter how many people are laughing.
    
41. Not allowed to taunt minor Plus ghosts in my district until they become Hollows.
    
42. Not allowed to taunt minor Plus ghosts in other peoples' districts until they become Hollows.
    
43. Not allowed to refer to my subordinates as "extras," "redshirts," or "expendable" – at least not in front of them.
    
44. Not allowed to paint a flower on 11th Division Captain Zaraki's eyepatch.
    
45. The 14th Division does not exist solely for my entertainment. Stop ordering them to dance.
    
46. Not allowed to threaten to take revenge on commanding officers using voodoo dolls.
    
47. Not allowed to ask for hair samples for voodoo purposes.
    
48. Voodoo dolls are not action figures.
    
49. If I am going to take pictures of my commanding officers in compromising positions, I should not show the pictures off to the rest of the division when the officer(s) in question is/are standing behind me.
    
50. My squad is not an 'away team' and telling them to set their phasers to stun/kill/nuclear holocaust only confuses them.
    
51. Not allowed to make my squad write rebuttals to the Vice-Captain's evaluation of my leadership.
    
52. Not allowed to say the Captain is "out with his ho" when he is on a mission with Vice-Captain Kuchiki.
    
53. The way to alert my colleagues to an approaching Hollow is not, "I sense a disturbance in the Force."
    
54. Not allowed to "borrow" 12th Division Captain Mayuri's mask.
    
55. "Noogie Patrol" is not one of my duties.
    
56. There is no buried treasure in the division offices.
    
57. My zanpakutou is not a shovel.
    
58. Not allowed to advise Hollows to "think really hard about what they've done" instead of killing them.
    
59. Not allowed to send love letters to the Captain on behalf of Matsuo, Vice-Captain Kuchiki, 9th Division Captain Abarai, or any of Captain Kurosaki's human friends.
    
60. My squad's proper title is "Squad 7, 15th Division," not "Skippy's Love-Love Warriors."
    
61. I am not authorized to kick students out of the Academy.
    
62. Not allowed to tell the Captain what I really think of his plan.
    
63. Not allowed to refuse to follow an order on the grounds that "it sounds hard."
    
64. I am not a statue.
    
65. Not allowed to spank my subordinates when they're bad.
    
66. Not allowed to incite rebellion through the use of sponges and silly string.
    
67. Not allowed to hold Academy students for ransom, even if they agree to it.
    
68. Not allowed to sell my subordinates to 12th Division Captain Mayuri. 
69. Not allowed to hit on Vice-Captain Kuchiki when she's drunk.

To Be Continued

"And you're going to buy them back with your own money," Captain Kurosaki concludes.

"WHAT?" Skippy cries. "But Captain!" This was not the plan!

The captain smirks at him. "But Captain, what? You made money selling them, didn't you?"

"I spent half of it on – on something, already." No need to give away his next trick, after all. "And Captain Mayuri will charge me more than I sold them for, you know he will!"

"Too bad. They're your subordinates; you're responsible for them. Next time sell them to someone who isn't smarter than you are."

Skippy brightens a little at that. "You mean I can sell them to the 11th?"

"THAT IS NOT WHAT I –"

"Hey, Ichigooo~!" Skippy's too startled by the tone of his vice-captain's voice to remember to be relieved she's interrupting the captain mid-yelling. He turns to see her slouched against the office door in a very un-Kuchiki way.

"What the hell is with you?" the captain asks warily.

"Nothing!" she says, and sparkles.

Skippy tries to back away, but bumps into the captain's desk after an inch or two. "Is she possessed, Captain? Do we have to kill her?" He puts a hand on his sword hilt.

"If only," Captain mutters, standing. "Rukia?"

"I would like to ask for a favor, Ichigo," she says, sliding away from the door. Her face is flushed – she's drunk, Skippy realizes. He lets go of his hilt, and grins.

"NO," the captain says, behind him.

"Ichigo! You don't even know what it is!"

"I don't want to know. And would you stop talking like that?!"

"Like what?"

"RUKIA."

"Vice-Captain!" Skippy says, crossing the office and taking her hand. "You're looking lovelier than usual today."

She takes a swing at him, of course, but he dodges and she just laughs when she misses. He's still got her hand in one of his, and he lifts it now, stroking it a little as he says, "Vice-Captain mustn't blame Skippy for admiring her! I would gladly perform whatever favor it is the captain is refusing." And he kisses her hand.

She tilts her head and gives him a calculating look that would make him nervous if he were a lesser shinigami. Kawazoe, for example.

"SKIPPY." Or the captain, of course.

"I'm doing you a favor, Captain! …What is it I'm doing?"

"YOU –"

"Defending my honor," Kuchiki says, all wide-eyed girly helplessness.

"Um, huh?" Skippy says, because… huh? He's always been under the impression that it would damage the Kuchiki honor to let a non-Kuchiki defend it.

"Madarame Ikkaku has insulted my honor." She doesn't seem to have noticed that she's switched off the creepy shoujo voice. She plants her free hand on her hip and glares at the captain as she slips back into a much more normal kind of loud indignance.

"You say that like you think I should CARE."

"You had better," she says, and Skippy suspects they've both forgotten he's there. He hates it when they do that.

"What did that kill-happy bald bastard do, Vice-Captain?" he asks, stroking her hand again to get their attention.

"Ah –"

"SKIPPY."

"Yes, Captain?" he murmurs distractedly, staring into the vice-captain's eyes.

"That's enough."

"Hmmmm?" He pauses his stroking to put a hand on her shoulder. "Madarame will be dealt with, Vice-Captain, I promise you. This outrage will not be allowed to stand."

Kuchiki gets all wobbly-eyed and puts her free hand over Skippy's. "Thank you."

"SKIPPY! NO. FLIRTING. WITH THE VICE-CAPTAIN. WHEN SHE’S DRUNK!"

"That hardly seems fair, Captain!" Skippy cries indignantly.

Kuchiki is half a moment behind him, jerking around to look at the captain as she says, "Who's flirting?!"

"Skippy's flirting, you idiot, and do NOT tell me what you mean by 'not fair,' Skippy, I don't care. Just get out of here and put it on the list."

"What! Captain!"

Rukia snickers.

"Not you too, Vice-Captain!"

"How long is that list now, Skippy-kun~?"

"I think this will be item number 69, Vice-Captain!" It's true, too. He waggles his eyebrows at her.

"Skippy."

"All right, Captain. It's no wonder there are such rumors about you two!" That doesn't get to the captain as it should; he's too used to rumors, too uncaring. He just scowls. Skippy sighs. "I'll—"

"Ichigoooooo!" That's the second time in ten minutes Skippy's been interrupted by someone shouting the captain's given name, and this time sounds even more interesting than the first. It's Madarame Ikkaku. "Get your ass out here and fight me!"

The captain groans.

Skippy grins.

Rukia had always had a vague horror of the Shinigami Women's Association.

Now she attended their bi-weekly meetings.

"Ichi should be next!" Yachiru declares.

"That's actually a good idea," says Matsumoto, leaning over the arm of the couch so her breasts are in Rukia's lap as she hands her a drink. Rukia has been to enough of these meetings now to take the cup and not ask any questions. "He's never been photographed for the calendar, either~!"

"Um." Rukia says. "You realize Ichigo will never agree to any of this."

Soi Fong snorts. "You don't really think Yachiru cares about consent, do you?"

"I…" Rukia looks at Yachiru, writing something in Nanao's notebook with a grin that is… disturbing. Nanao looks resigned.

"Surely Rukia can talk her captain into showing some chest long enough for one of us to snap a picture," Matsumoto says with a sly smile. Rukia chokes on her sake.

Matsumoto slaps her on the back a few times, rather harder than is necessary, but it's no more than Rukia expects – she doesn't have any friends who'd think to slap gently.

"Are you all right?" Matsumoto's grey-blue eyes are large and concerned and right in Rukia's face. All things considered, it's probably an improvement.

"Fine," Rukia says, hacking a little. "Thank you. Ah…"

Matsumoto leans back. "Hmmm?"

"Rukia will do it, won't you!" Kiyone cheers from the other side of the room. Isane, next to her, makes embarrassed shushing motions.

"I don't think so," Rukia says, and it sure is nice to be Kiyone's superior rather than her subordinate.

"But Rukia!"

"Flatty has to do it!" Yachiru wails.

Rukia's head aches. Just when she'd been starting to think these meetings weren't so bad. She should've known better.

"I think you're all confused about the kind of relationship Ichigo and I have," she says, as primly as she can manage – and she is a Kuchiki, so she can manage quite a bit of prim. "I couldn't just ask him to remove his kimono. He'd worry I was ill."

Disappointed and skeptical looks abound. Rukia sinks into the couch cushions a little. "But," she offers.

Expectant silence. Rukia swallows.

"But?" Hinamori prompts gently. Her too? Ichigo's chest? Really?

"But…" Rukia repeats slowly. "If all you want is to see him shirtless… why not get him in a fight?"

"Ehhh?" says Matsumoto. Under the surprise, Rukia thinks she detects a note of pride. She's not sure how to feel about that. She takes a sip from what's left of her sake.

"Or several fights, really. You must have noticed! The more beat up he gets, the less he wears."

"None of us has seen Orange-Head beat up as often as Flatty-Rukia has!" Yachiru says, like this is a tragic failure on her part. Then she brightens. "But I'll tell Ken-chan! He'll be so happy to fight Ichi again!" She gives herself a short round of applause.

Rukia chooses not to point out that Ichigo has been actively avoiding fights with Captain Zaraki since beating him that first time. Instead, she holds her cup out to Matsumoto, who smiles broadly and pours her more sake.

"But someone should get Ichi warmed up for Ken-chan! I can make Cue-ball Head do it…" Yachiru puts a finger to her mouth thoughtfully.

"I wouldn't mind taking a little stab at him myself," Matsumoto says, and winks at Rukia. Rukia frowns. Matsumoto continues, "And isn't Abarai always wanting to fight him?"

"Renji? Well…" Rukia strains to think of something to say that isn't, "yes." She fails.

Hinamori snickers behind her hand. "Abarai-kun will definitely fight Captain Kurosaki if Kuchiki asks! The problem might be to get them to stop fighting…"

"I'm sure that will all lead to excellent photos," Nanao says, pushing up her glasses, "but how will we get the interview?"

Rukia tries to disappear into her sake again.

Ichigo rubbed his forehead and waited for the glow to subside.

"Didn't have to do it that hard," he grumbled to no one.

Well, not no one, as it turned out. There were quite a few people circling around him when he could see again.

"Welcome to Rukongai," one of them said, smiling nastily.

Ichigo scowled. "What district is this?"

"Oh, his shinigami explained it to him! How sweet," laughed a little girl. She was perched on the shoulders of a man who was not little.

"77th, South," someone else answered.

"77? Damn," Ichigo said. "Just what I needed, another thing I'll never hear the end of." He pointed at the guy who'd told him where he was, a ragged-looking kid with an eye patch who was about the right size to wear the same size jeans Ichigo was wearing. "Rukia and Renji are from the 78th district! They're gonna say I had it easy. You know how annoying that is?" Well, they were all ragged-looking. Ichigo put a hand on his belt.

They were all starting to mutter. "What is he talking about?" someone said loudly. Someone else was growling.

"So which way is Sereitei?" he asked, turning slowly and squinting at the horizon.

Instead of answering, they jumped him. The first one was fast; Ichigo kicked him in the chest. The rest of them he managed to dodge. He was leaping over some huge stick someone was swinging when he spotted, a long way in the distance, a solitary white tower that was all too familiar.

He turned to his welcoming committee. "Thanks for your help, guys! Sorry I can't stay and… get to know you all better, or something."

A lot of them yelled replies, but Ichigo ignored these as he sprinted off in the direction of the tower. It would ruin his exit to turn around now and keep trading insults with them. Anyway, it would slow him down. And he was supposed to meet Rukia at the gate.

She found him in his living room, fighting with his father. Karin was glaring at them both from the couch and Yuzu was clinging to her sister's shoulder, watching helplessly. If it weren't for the broken chain of fate dangling from Ichigo's chest, it might have been any normal day in the Kurosaki household.

Rukia stood with her arms crossed, in front of the wall she'd walked through, and waited for them to notice her.

She expected this to happen when Ichigo, or even Isshin or Karin, sensed her spiritual pressure. She did not expect to be noticed only after Isshin kicked Ichigo across the room, and straight into her.

"What the hell?!" Ichigo yelled into her shin.

"Get off of me, you stupid dead lummox!" Rukia yelled at the same time, though her voice was rather strangled, thanks to the knee on her throat.

"Where have you BEEN?" he demanded as he tried to roll himself off of her. She shoved him helpfully.

"Where have I been? I have been doing my job, and not getting myself killed, unlike–" she hauled herself up till she was sitting against the wall "—some human fools! Can't you be left alone for five minutes?"

"Welcome, Rukia-chan!" Isshin called from where he was now hiding behind Karin.

"Why is everyone acting like this is MY FAULT? I didn't want to die!"

"Then you shouldn't have let yourself be killed, you idiot!" She paused. "How did you die, anyway?"

Ichigo sat up and glared at her. "You don't know?"

"How would I know? You think I stayed to ask for details when I heard you were DEAD?"

He hmphed and turned away, falling back, hard, to lean on the wall beside her.

"Well?"

He muttered something, too low for Rukia to hear.

"My son died laughing," Isshin offered, holding a handkerchief to his eyes. He'd come out from behind Karin, but he was still crouched behind the sofa.

"Shut up, old man!"

Rukia looked back and forth between them. "Laughing?"

"It was a nitrus oxide overdose," Karin explained with a resigned sigh. "Laughing gas."

"Laughing gas. You mean you were having – doing drugs?" She kicked him. "What were you doing drugs for, you simpleton?"

"I was not DOING DRUGS!"

"He was at the dentist." Rukia looked at Karin blankly. Karin rolled her eyes. "The tooth doctor?"

"IT WAS ONLY A CAVITY."

Kuchiki Rukia slammed her hands down on Captain Ukitake's desk. "He what?"

"I think it would be best if you would perform his soul burial."

"That idiot!" She dug her fingers into the wood.

"I don't think it was his fault, Kuchiki. The officer patrolling the area didn't even notice… actually, I believe Ichigo-kun had to go find him, instead of…" Ukitake let his voice trail off as Kuchiki raged out of his office.

When the door had slammed behind her, he leaned over to examine the cracks spreading out from the new finger-grooves in his desk. And he smiled.

Captain,

The progress reports for the 6th Squad are enclosed.

Kawazoe



Oh Captain, My Captain,

I couldn't finish the progress reports for my squad because they were being a bunch of pansies. I think that one with the pink bandana had some kind of mental breakdown. I only asked her to go first in the examination. Squad 7 of the 11th Division is very unhappy with you right now. I think when you finish taking care of them, you should consider disciplining my squad members yourself. They're just not responding to my spankings anymore.

XOXOXO,
Your Precious Skippy
Squad 7, Strawberry Division



Dear Captain Ichigo,

I have finished the reports for my squad, they're in the envelope here. They have really been making excellent progress since you started overseeing their training. Please continue to help us in the future!

Sincerely,
Hanatarou



Hey Captain,

Sorry about that stuff that got spilled on my reports. Please don't ask me what it is.

From,
Miharu-chan of the Great 4th Squad!!

PS – probably Captain shouldn't touch any of the pages with stuff on them, really.



To the Honorable Captain Kurosaki,

Here are the progress reports for your humble 5th Squad. Your help this quarter has been amazing greatly appreciated and I we all hope you continue to help us become stronger!

Your humble servant,
Matsuo Makoto



Read the reports yourself this time, Ichigo. I'm busy. Oh, and I hear Kenpachi is looking for you again.

Rukia