Angst, Crack, Potato Sack

Pulling Rank

2008-08-17T03:58:05Z

"So you've met this guy?" Ichigo asked as Renji led him through the maze of Seireitei streets. Ichigo would have to know this way himself soon, and Renji didn't envy him how little time he had to learn it. "Did you like him? What's he like?"

"If you ask that one more time I'm gonna kick your ass and you won't ever get to meet your damn vice-captain because you'll be bleeding to death in the street," Renji growled.

Ichigo snorted. "You're not even wearing Zabimaru."

Renji bared his teeth. "Yeah, and you suck at kidou."

"So do you!"

"But I don't suck as bad you, so accept it and shut the hell up about stupid shit you'll find out about in a few minutes anyways," Renji snapped. He didn't look at Ichigo. Hiding his unholy glee at keeping the kid in the dark was getting more difficult by the moment. This had better be worth it.

"I'd stop asking if everyone would stop being so damn evasive about it," Ichigo grumbled.

"Who's being evasive? You just keep asking pointless questions! Your ass better learn to just trust the damn Captain's Council." He grinned his trademark mean grin. "I'm on it, after all. Your vice-captain is the best person for the job." That was true, and Renji was so used to this argument now that he didn't have any – well, much – trouble keeping a straight face while he said it. "Why don't you ask about the layout of your offices, or –"

"Because they showed me the plans!" Ichigo snapped, looking at Renji like he was an idiot. Well, they'd see who the idiot was soon enough. "I signed them! Nobody's asked me to sign anything about my vice-captain."

"They will," Renji said, rolling his eyes. "You have to sign the promotion papers. And you can refuse to sign them if you really hate the person the council chose. Not the smartest thing to go against all the other captains first thing… and it's not like there's really anyone else you could choose, but technically. You do get the final say."

"Yeah," said Ichigo. "I know."

"Who knew you were such a control freak?"

"I'm not –"

"Whatever. Here we are." Renji gestured at the network of buildings just ahead of them. "Your division offices."

Ichigo didn't even pause to inspect them – they did look pretty much like the offices of all the other divisions, Renji supposed. Ichigo went right for the entrance to the main office, sliding the door open and stepping inside.

The main room was mostly empty space, but there in center, struggling to push a couch into place, was –

"Hanatarou?" Ichigo said.

Hanatarou jumped. "Ichigo-san! I mean, Captain!" He looked reproachfully at Renji. "Captain Abarai said you wouldn't be here until noon!"

Renji shrugged. "I underestimated how annoying he would be."

Ichigo ignored him and looked at Hanatarou. "You're my vice-captain? I mean, it's cool, but why the hell didn't anyone –"

"No, no no no!" Hanatarou waved his hands frantically. "No, not me! I couldn't be – I'm honored just to be Ichigo-san's third seat!"

"Oh," Ichigo said. "Well. Great. He turned to glare at Renji. "I thought you said my vice-captain would be here already. He's late? That's not exactly promising."

"No, Vice-Captain is here!" Ichigo looked back at Hanatarou. "In – in the private office. Captain!" He gestured at a door on the far wall.

"Oh. Good. Thanks, Hanatarou. You really did transfer from the Fourth, huh?"

Hanatarou nodded.

"Cool. Nice to know there'll be someone in the division I actually know." Hanatarou looked questioningly at Renji – fortunately Ichigo didn't notice, so Renji was free to give Hanatarou the 11th division standard 'talk and you're dead' look. Just for old times' sake.

Ichigo dropped a hand absently on Hanatarou's shoulder as he passed him on the way to the door into his private office. Renji followed, winking at Hanatarou over his shoulder. Poor kid looked desperately confused. Renji resisted laughing at that, too.

"Rukia?" Ichigo said with not nearly enough surprise in his voice as Renji stepped through the open door. "What are you doing here?" Renji left the door open behind him.

Rukia looked up from her desk on the right side of the office.

"Where's my vice-captain?"

Renji had to look away and cough to hide his laughter. So that was why Ichigo didn't seem shocked. The dumbass was in for it now.

"Are you stupid?" Rukia demanded. Then she picked her badge up from where it lay on the desk and chucked it at Ichigo's head.

"OW." He caught the badge as it bounced off his forehead and held it up, stared at it for a second. Then his head snapped up and he yelled at Rukia, "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"

"What does it look like, fool?" She folded her arms.

"No way are you my vice-captain!" Ichigo said, pointing at her with the hand holding her vice-captain's badge, straps of the arm band dangling.

"Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be?" She raised her eyebrows at him haughtily.

"Uh, because you're not even seated? Moron!"

Shit. Renji took a step back, toward the door. He wasn't sure whether to be more impressed by Ichigo's courage or his stupidity. Then he remembered it was the same thing.

"Are you implying I'm not strong enough?!" Rukia jumped to her feet, slamming her hands down on the desk.

"What – your asshole brother won't even let you be promoted to a seat! Why the hell would he let you be my vice-captain?" He threw the badge back at her.

She caught it and raised her chin. "My honored brother recognizes my skills."

Renji coughed again. "Sheasked," he said in the middle of it.

"She WHAT?"

"RENJI!"

Ichigo spun and pointed furiously at him. "How long have you known about this?!"

Renji grinned a little, backing away. "I, uh… you know, I think I should be going, I have… captainy things to do." He bolted through the door, laughing and slamming it behind him as Ichigo lunged for him.

"GET BACK HERE! RENJI!" Ichigo shouted, but didn't follow him out of the office. Not a complete idiot after all.

Renji stopped halfway through the main room and looked at Hanatarou. "Gonna stay for the show?'

"H-huh?"

Renji dropped onto the couch in the middle of the room and waved Hanatarou over.

"What are you looking at!" Ichigo's voice came bellowing through the door.

"I don't know why you're so surprised," Rukia replied, not nearly as loud. "Who else do you think would put up with you?"

Hanatarou sat down delicately, twisting his hands together, as Renji sprawled over the back of the couch, getting a comfortable view of the door into the private office.

"Put up – anyone would be honored to be in my division! Maybe it's that Ukitake was tired of putting up with YOU."

Renji looked at Hanatarou, who looked back, wide-eyed. Dumbass Ichigo, Renji thought.

"If you would prefer someone else," Rukia said icily, "there were other candidates."

"Shut up," Ichigo said, and they heard his footsteps moving across the room, away from the door. "You actually asked your brother to…"

"It was past time he let me do the work my abilities are suited to." She still sounded prim, but not icy. Stupid Ichigo getting away with everything.

"Well. Yeah. That's good. But Rukia."

"…What?"

"Why the hell didn't you TELL ME?!"

Renji snickered. That part was not getting old anytime soon.

She laughed. "And miss that look on your face?"

"Bitch."

Renji glanced at Hanatarou, who smiled nervously. He was vaguely annoyed by his urge to reassure the kid, but grinned crookedly at him anyway. "That's pretty much that," he said quietly. Hanatarou nodded.

"My brother took a long time considering his decision," Rukia said after a moment, and there was a low squeak of wood on wood. She sat back down, Renji guessed, looking at the closed screen door again. "I didn't want you to do anything stupid to mess it up."

"What, like kicking his ass again?" There was a grin in his voice.

"Ichigo." And a suppressed smile in hers.

"I believe that's 'Captain Kurosaki' to you now." A thunk, knuckles on a desk.

"You haven't been instated yet, moron." Renji could definitely hear her smirking now.

"Whatever. I'm your boss now."

"Not until you sign these forms."

"What forms?"

The faint sound of papers being shuffled, and then Ichigo said, "Got a pen?"

Dear Diary, Today I Was Confused and My Vice-Captain Was Crazy

2007-04-16T04:52:40Z

Ichigo drums his fingers on his desk and wishes Rukia would have used one of the showers in the main barracks and not the one attached to their private office. Granted, he hadn't gone home to shower himself, and she always uses that one when she showers while she's on duty, and it's her office too and why should she shower with the underlings, hell, what if Skippy's around?

But.

But he is trying to focus on paperwork and not twenty minutes ago she'd had her hand on – on – and now she's in there naked! And he, he doesn't know what to think about that. It's not that he's sitting here picturing the water running down her skin, dark hair lying heavy on her neck… it's, what it is, is…

…it's just the knowing that she's naked only a few feet away and he can barely process what just happened, never mind whatever the hell is supposed to come next.

Probably he shouldn't think about it at all. He has work to do, after all. Work that does not involve thinking bad wrong thoughts about Rukia. Thoughts that make that weird thing happen in his stomach that he is calling the result of, of nerves and weirdness, even though he has a sneaking suspicion it's happiness. Which is absurd.

Responsibilities. Right. He flips over a sheet of paper. And completely fails to read it.

"Good morning, Captain!"

He doesn't jump, because it would be stupid to jump when his officers come into his office just like they do every morning; but some papers go flying off his desk. Totally of their own accord. A gust of wind, maybe.

"Morning, Miharu," he grumbles, and starts some secret Shiba meditation techniques to slow his heart rate. He sucks at meditating. With a totally zenless huff, he leans over to collect his papers.

His fourth seat skips – he can't see her through the solid base of his desk, but he can hear her perky little feet bouncing across the wood – across the office to stand in front of him. "Did Captain have fun?"

"WH—" he tries to sit up fast only the desk is suddenly there where his head is trying to go, CRACK! Like some old slapstick comedy show with bad writing. He really shouldn't be surprised. That's what his life is. "Ow."

"Oh! Are you all right, Captain?"

"Fine," he says, and lays his throbbing head on his desk. "You need something, Miharu?"

"I guess it was a good party," she says. "Miharu-chan just needs Captain to sign some stuff, but it doesn't have to be right now. I can just leave the papers by your head." He hears her tapping the papers on his desk, aligning the edges, then sliding them across the wood. "You'll feel better soon, Captain!" The little brat ruffles his hair. And Ichigo can't even bring himself to mind. "Miharu-chan will make sure Makoto-kun brings you the patented Trio Hangover Cure – 100% effective every time! – when he brings his reports this morning."

It's a little scary, Ichigo thinks as she skips back out, how much his fourth seat reminds him of his father. He turns his head so his face is hidden against the wood of his desk. One of his other officers will be in soon, and he doesn't want them to catch him smiling. There's nothing to smile about. He doesn't find Miharu funny, he finds her psycho, and he is not prepared to feel so good about – about anything else – that he's going to be amused by non-amusing things.

The shower cuts off.

That brings him down a little – that thing his stomach's doing is definitely a nervous thing (which makes it a good thing. A better thing, anyway, than the alternative) – because he has no fucking idea how he's going to face Rukia now. But he kind of can't wait.

Ichigo spent years, when he was alive, refining his 'being cool' technique. He falls back on these years of experience now, and does not look up eagerly when the bathroom door opens. He keeps his head right where it is, exactly where it has always been on hangover-mornings at work in the past.

Rukia's footsteps pause for a moment, just outside the bathroom door. Then she crosses to her desk and her chair scrapes across the floor and her pen starts scratching and she doesn't say one word to him, not one! Ichigo looks up now, and glares.

But the second her head moves, Ichigo whips his head down and he knows he's blushing so he hopes she isn't looking at him after all even though he really hopes she is and oh balls when did he become fifteen again?

This sucks.

"Have you recovered from your unbecoming-of-an-officer antics yet, honorable Captain? I've been hearing the wildest stories all morning!"

He should have known that thought would be Skippy's cue to enter.

"If they fit your definition of wild, Skippy, you must have made them up yourself," Rukia says, all calm and completely unembarrassed. Bitch.

Ichigo picks himself up and leans his head on one hand. "You got reports to file, Skippy?"

"Well, about that, Captain—"

Ichigo groans.

"The Captain has too much work to do to listen to your excuses, Ohno. If you came here just to waste his time, I suggest you do it later." Whoa. In his surprise, Ichigo actually manages to look directly at Rukia without his face getting hot. Is she mad? She never calls him Captain unless she's mad or making fun of him.

"Vice-Captain!" Skippy cries, turning to her. "I would never wish to waste the time of my honorable leaders!"

Why would she be mad at him? It was all her damn idea!

Her good idea. Her really excellent idea.

"I just wanted you both to know what happened so you won't be surprised when you see it and blame me because it is in no way my fault."

"What did you do now, Skippy?" Rukia says. Ichigo says it with her, but only out of habit. He doesn't really care what Skippy did. He's too busy trying to figure out whether Rukia's face is so frosty because she wants the underlings to go away so she can talk to him (or… do other things? No no no, no way, bad thought), or because she's worried someone knows, or because she's pissed at him and taking it out on them or…

"They what?!"

Crap, he missed something important.

"How could you let the—"

"I didn't, Vice-Captain, really! I swear!"

"For once, Captain, Vice-Captain," a calm voice interrupts, "Ohno is telling the truth." Kawazoe stands in the office doorway, a stack of papers tucked under one arm. His hakama are wet almost to the knee. "The flood in the barracks is not his fault."

"What exactly did cause it, Kawazoe?" Ichigo resigns himself to dealing with business for the rest of the day. Rukia will talk to him eventually. Probably.

"It seems Azuma has achieved shikai."

"And he achieved it all over the barracks?"

"She, Ichigo," Rukia hisses. Oops.

But at least she's using his name to point out what an idiot he is.

"She achieved shikai while practicing in her quarters early this morning, yes," Kawazoe says, straightening his glasses, which Ichigo recognizes as the only sign Kawazoe'll give of having noticed his captain's mistake. "Fortunately, she was alone and no one was injured."

"I told you it wasn't my fault," Skippy says, folding his arms and managing to look simultaneously sulky and smug.

"I'm afraid that I, myself, encouraged Azuma to practice on her own time. I underestimated how close she was to reaching her training goal."

"It's all right, Kawazoe," Ichigo says, waving a hand dismissively. This guy always wants to take responsibility for everything.

"You wouldn't say that if this were my fault!" Skippy cries.

"Skippy, OUT." Ichigo says.

"I'm not even doing anything, Captain!"

"That is exactly the problem," Rukia says. So she's back to calling him Ichigo and she's backing him up, that's good, right? "Go assist in the clean-up. And send Azuma in to speak with us."

"Yes, Vice-Captain," Skippy says, and turns to go.

"Oh, Skippy, one other thing," Ichigo says. His seventh seat pauses in the doorway and looks back over his shoulder. "I want today's reports and tomorrow's on my desk in the morning."

There's a pause. Then Skippy smiles. "Sure thing, Cap'n," he says, and dashes off with a wave.

"Why did he smile?" Ichigo asks, suddenly nervous on a completely different level. "What did I say that he could smile about?"

"I'm sure we'll find out tomorrow morning," Rukia says dryly. "And in the meantime – I assume the 14th division has been contacted, Kawazoe?"

"I sent a hell butterfly approximately ten minutes ago, Vice-Captain Kuchiki. I specified that the 14th's reply be sent to you. I am sure it will arrive any moment."

"Very good," Rukia says. "Do what you can to help at the barracks until the squad from the 14th arrives. Dismissed."

"Yes, sir," Kawazoe says. He sets his stack of papers down on top of the shelf by the door, bows to Ichigo and Rukia, and leaves them. Alone in the office.

Ichigo looks at Rukia. She's already gone back to her paperwork. How can she possibly care about paperwork right now? "Uh, so," he says.

"Yes?" she doesn't sound pissed, but she doesn't look up at him either. Does she really want to pretend nothing happened?!

"I… I guess Azuma has a water-elemental zanpakutou." Way to go, Ichigo.

She looks up now. To give him that how-can-anyone-that-stupid-even-use-words look. No weirdness at all! "I would imagine so."

Maybe she's not pretending. Maybe she really doesn't care. Like doing, doing that in an alley with your partner is totally normal and not a big deal and he's just an idiot who still thinks like a human even though he's been dead more than a year and this is just another thing shinigami do that he didn't know about.

Well hell with that. He stands.

There's a knock on the open office door. A nervous-looking kid with short black hair peeking out from under a pink bandana is hovering in the doorway. Azuma Yukari. Ichigo recognizes her now.

"Skippy-san s-said the captain and vice-captain w-wanted to speak to me?"

"Come on in, Azuma," Ichigo says. He doesn't even mind the interruption. All of his courage has drained into the floorboards anyway. "We want to congratulate you on achieving shikai."

Surprise and relief wash over her face. "Thank you, Captain! I'm very sorry about, about the mess. I didn't think…"

"It's all right," Rukia says, stepping out from behind her desk to cross the room and put a hand on Azuma's shoulder. "Unexpected things often happen the first time one achieves release with one's zanpakutou."

No kidding, Ichigo thinks. He's still standing behind his desk, watching Rukia as she gently sets the kid in their charge at ease. When the hell did she learn to do that?

Or has she always known? Did she teach him by kicking him in the head because she just knew, somehow, that that was how he would learn best?

"The week I first achieved shikai, I knocked down an entire training facility. I encased a critical support beam in ice, and it shattered."

"Really, Vice-Captain?"

Ichigo hadn't known that either.

"Oh yes. But I was very lucky; no one was injured when the roof fell in."

Azuma laughs. "Wow."

"I'm afraid we will have some paperwork for you to fill out over the next few days," Rukia says. "But perhaps first you would like to tell me about your shikai yourself? I am pleased to know there is another water-elemental zanpakutou in my division."

"Of course, Vice-Captain Kuchiki!" Azuma is beaming like Rukia is offering her everything she ever wanted.

Ichigo's stomach hurts.

"Let's take a walk, Azuma. I'm afraid the captain has too much work to do today to join us."

Azuma glances at him. "Oh, of course. Okay. Thank you again, Captain!"

Ichigo manages to nod as Rukia herds Azuma out of the office. When she slides the door closed behind her, he falls back into his chair and buries his face in his hands. He is so screwed.

Wasn't he all stupid happy half an hour ago? What is wrong with him?

No, wait, he knows what's wrong. He just wishes he didn't.

Dammit, Rukia.

He doesn't know how long he's been sitting there, head in hands, when a soft voice says, "Captain?"

Ichigo raises his head. "Hi, Makoto. What's up?"

Makoto smiles and holds up the thermos he's carrying. It's pink and has little strawberries all over it. "Miharu-chan said I should bring you the hangover cure. Is your head very bad?"

"Bad does not begin to describe it. And it ain't just my head," he says, which was stupid because it just makes Makoto look all worried. He suppresses a sigh. "But come on in, lemme see this cure of yours."

Makoto trots over to the desk and screws the top off the thermos. "I'm sorry, Captain, I don't know if it will help with anything other than your head," he says as he pours. Ichigo smiles a little. Makoto is so much like Yuzu sometimes.

"Don't worry about it, Makoto. I appreciate you and Miharu wanting to help me out." Can't exactly tell the kid that a hangover is the least of his problems.

"Shun-kun, too," Makoto says, flushing. He hands Ichigo the now-full thermos cap. "He added a little healing kidou to the recipe."

"Tell them both 'thanks' for me," Ichigo says, taking a sip and fighting a grimace. It must be an effective hangover cure if it taste like this. Too bad he's not even really hungover anymore.

"You can count on me, Captain!" Makoto gestures broadly and some mucky greenish-brown liquid splashes out of the thermos. The kid doesn't seem to notice.

"Aa," Ichigo says.

"Hey, Captain…"

"Yeah?"

"I just, um…" Makoto rubs the back of his head with one hand and offers Ichigo a tentative smile. "You know, whatever it is, besides the hangover I mean… You'll figure it out. Just do what you always do!"

Ichigo raises his eyebrows. "What do I always do, Makoto?"

"You, you know. You and Vice-Captain Kuchiki," what? Why is he— "you take it out! You have a system."

"A system, huh." Maybe they do. This captain thing… there's so much about Soul Society he still doesn't know, but Rukia's always there, always steps in when he's about to screw things up too badly. She's been doing that since they met: keeping him in line, watching his back. And he watches hers. It works.

"Well it… it always seems like you do…"

Maybe she's realized he wants… what he wants… and she just doesn't want to let him mess everything up.

"Yeah… thanks, Makoto. I think you're right."

So, so screwed.

Byakuya Would Only Say 'You're Welcome' if the Author Agreed to End the Scene Before it Happened

2007-04-13T05:23:11Z

"I think you will find you have made a very wise decision, Byakuya," Ukitake said with a smile.

Byakuya did not look up from his paperwork. "You sound as though you know this is to happen," he said. "It may be that nothing comes of it."

Ukitake beamed at the top of Byakuya's head. "Of course," he said, waving a hand dismissively, "of course, I may have been bothering you these past few weeks for nothing. But I don't think that will be the case. Your sister is not as afraid of you as she used to be."

That got Byakuya to look up. "Rukia has no reason to fear me."

"Exactly!" Ukitake grinned. "And really, I think Ichigo-kun will be—"

"Enough," Byakuya said sharply, returning his attention to his paperwork. "You have what you wanted, Captain Ukitake. If there is nothing else you need from me, then go."

Ukitake kept his laughter contained until he was out of Byakuya's office.

***

"There is no question that you are the best person for the job, Kuchiki. No one on the committee will argue against that."

Kuchiki halted her pacing and gave Ukitake a hard look. "My brother is on the committee."

Ukitake smiled at her. "Kuchiki, surely you realize by now that your brother has full confidence in your abilities. He simply worries for you."

For a moment she continued to meet his eyes. Then she shook her head and resumed her slow pacing. "Then why—" She stopped again, closing her eyes for a moment, then continued, "I appreciate your confidence, Captain, but… to make such a leap…"

"Do you believe you could do it?"

She raised her chin just slightly – a cold, delicate motion that was very like her brother. "Of course. I would not consider the position otherwise."

Ukitake nodded. "Do you want it, Kuchiki?"

She didn't look at him. "I do."

Ukitake watched her for a moment, brushing one hand over the finger grooves that had never quite been polished out of his desk. Gently, he said, "It is only your safety and happiness that concern your brother. If this is the path that will bring you those things…"

Kuchiki looked at him then, and smiled. "Yes," she said. "Thank you, Captain."

***

"Nii-sama." Rukia gently slid aside the door to her brother's office. "Do you have a moment?"

"Certainly."

It still surprised her sometimes to see her brother set aside his work just to talk to her. Today she found it both encouraging and intimidating. "Thank you, nii-sama." She took a deep breath. "I… members of the Captain's committee that was selected to choose Ichigo's vice-captain have mentioned to me that my name was among those submitted for consideration. I know that the responsibilities of such a position could place me in greater danger than I regularly face in my current position, and that… you worry for my safety even now, and so would not wish for me to receive this promotion. And it would be within your rights to tell the committee I am not suitable for the position."

He watched her impassively, hands folded gracefully on his desk.

Rukia forced herself to hold completely still, and continued, "But I believe I am capable of doing the job well – I believe I would do it better than any of the other candidates, because I understand Ichigo better than anyone the committee could possibly be considering. He listens to me… mostly. He might not listen to another vice-captain, and… his unique acquisition of power means that he will need a great deal of guidance when he assumes his duties. And… and I would worry, were he left on his own."

Her brother was still silent. Rukia looked down. Her heart was pounding and she wanted to flee, but she was so tired of being held back. She could not give up yet. She raised her eyes.

"What is it you want from me?" he said as soon as her eyes met his.

"Ah…" Rukia blinked. "I would like to ask that you allow the committee to consider me as they would anyone else, and if I am chosen, to allow me to accept the position of vice-captain of the 15th division."

"I see."

That was a dismissal. Rukia set her palms on her thighs and opened her mouth to say she understood he would need time to consider this, but before she could make a sound, her brother stood. She froze in surprise.

"You wish to serve under Kurosaki? As vice-captain?"

His face was unreadable and she wondered if he were going to rebuke her for this betrayal, but she said, "Yes, nii-sama," anyway.

He nodded. "Then I will recommend that the committee select you for the position."

"I—" she stopped, schooling her expression carefully until the shock faded. Then she allowed herself a small, hopeful smile. "You will?"

He said nothing, and it was hard to be sure, but she believed his face was a little less stern.

"Thank you!" She knew her smile was growing to undignified proportions, but there was no helping it. She bowed deeply. "Thank you, nii-sama. This is much more than I thought – thank you for trusting in my judgment and abilities. I will not disappoint you."

"See that you do not," he said, and sat back in his chair.

***

"Rukia-chan seems happy," Shunsui said, tipping back as he drained his saké dish until he fell, gently, into the grass. He did not, Ukitake noticed, spill a drop. He never did.

"Yes," Ukitake agreed, "she does. I admit I will miss having her in the offices, but I believe this arrangement will be best for everyone."

"Even Byakuya?"

"Especially Byakuya. Seeing his sister's happiness is the closest he allows himself to come to having any himself."

"I don't know, I think Kurosaki is getting the most out of the deal."

Ukitake laughed. "Eventually, my friend," he said. "Eventually."

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way (Back) to the Office

2006-06-17T06:44:43Z

When Rukia awakes she finds herself, not for the first time, in the heart of Sereitei, sprawled over Ichigo's chest in the middle of the street.

"Not again," she groans, and tries to sit up.

In the process, her elbow digs into Ichigo's ribcage, and he wakes with a groan. "…Ungh," he says, trying to sit up himself, which knocks Rukia to the ground.

"Idiot," she says, and remains stretched out on her back where she landed. The paving stones are harder than Ichigo's chest but they are less lumpy and she has a crick in her lower back, the same place she always gets it when this happens. ("Your chest is a very uncomfortable bed," she'd told Ichigo the first time they woke up like this. "Then you shouldn't have slept there," he'd snapped, and Rukia had to concede that that was a fair point. She always meant to sleep somewhere else the next time.) She tries to breathe the cramp away and stares up at the sky. It is earlier in the day than it usually is when they wake up like this; that's something, at least.

Not that this happens all the time. An officer of the Gotei 15 should not be displaying such unbecoming behavior. Of course, in the little over a year she has been an officer of the Gotei 15, Rukia has learned that there is no one more likely to succeed in getting her – and her captain – drunk than her fellow officers.

She and Ichigo had both agreed not to drink so much at last night's officer party in the hopes of actually making it all the way home for once. Ichigo has finally accepted that when he's had enough sake, his sense of direction is worse than Captain Zaraki's, and she – well, the damn streets all look the same when it's dark and her head is spinny. But even with the reduced alcohol intake it seems they've been foiled again by the maze of streets in Sereitei. Rukia silently curses the idiot who designed them. She tilts her head back till she can see the feet of the people walking by. The feet are giving them a wide berth as always, and she wonders whether word of this stunt will reach her brother this time.

"Oi, wake up," Ichigo says, despite the fact that her eyes are clearly open. She turns her head slightly to glare at him. He glares back for a second, then turns away, scanning their surroundings. "Do you know where we are?"

She sits up. By daylight, the streets here look as much like every other street in Sereitei as they did by darkness, but now she can see landmarks in the background. The Kuchiki estates are off in the distance, barely visibly beyond the White Tower, and she breathes a little easier. "I can figure out how to get home from here," she says.

"So you don't know where we are."

"Neither do you!"

"I haven't lived in this labyrinth for half a century!"

"It is not fifty years just yet," she says, getting primly to her feet.

"Still a long-ass time," he grumbles. He stands and straightens his robes.

She starts walking. It takes him longer than it should to catch up, so she turns to look at him curiously when he does. His face is pink and his scowl is deeper than it was a moment ago.

"What happened?" she asks curiously.

"Nothing." He stares straight ahead.

"Then why are you blushing?"

"I'm not blushing!"

"Ichigo, saying that does not change the fact that I can see your face, you idiot. What happened?"

"I told you, nothing! Just Rangiku trying to be funny again."

"Matsumoto?" Rukia looks around, but there's no one in sight with that kind of cleavage.

"She's not here," Ichigo says. "She just…" he shoves a piece of paper at her, "left this."

Rukia takes it, stops walking as she unfolds it and reads, Just wanted to be the first to say Congratulations! to the 15th on finally getting lucky~! ♥ She feels her face start to burn. "This isn't true!"

"I know it's not!" Ichigo has stopped beside her, but he isn't looking at her.

"Oh," says Rukia. "Good." And then, "You're sure?"

"Of course I'm sure," he growls. When she doesn't respond, he adds, mumbling, "I checked for bites."

"You what?"

"I don't have any bite marks," he repeats, clearer this time, "so–"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

He glares at her. "Hn. Don't try to act like you wouldn't bite."

The note crumples in her hands. "Like – like I'd need to bite you!"

"Okay, what does that mean?"

Rukia raises her eyebrows at him imperiously and says, "We both know you'd be a minute man."

"A what!"

She starts walking again.

"Oi!" Two long strides and he's caught up with her. "I trained for ten days and nights to get to Soul Society. I did bankai training – which was harder than any training you've ever done – for two and a half days straight, and I'M a minute man? I'd wear you out, bitch!"

Rukia scoffs. "No amount of bankai training could prepare you for me, fool."

"Oh really."

"That's right."

With half-lidded eyes he looks her up and down. Rukia bristles. His speculative look makes tension coil under her skin and she wants to throw her shoulders back and her chest out and to draw in on herself all at the same time.

Ichigo turns away. "Nah, you're not worth it."

Her stomach sinks and her skin burns and she should kick him in the face, but all she does is gasp, "Excuse me?!" She takes a breath, another. "I'm the best lay you'll never get!" she snaps, and feels she is herself again.

Ichigo still does not look at her. His scowls into the distance, the picture of casual disinterest. "Sure. A short little thing like you. Right."

She sees her opportunity. She smirks. "Well, if you want to talk about short…"

Now he glances at her. "Yachiru and Hitsugaya are both still growing, midget."

Her smirk almost turns into a grin. "NOT what I was talking about, idiot."

He frowns. "Then what were you talking about?"

"You know what."

"Nooo, I don't know what." He's really glaring at her now, and she actually starts to think he might not just be acting deliberately obtuse.

"How naïve can you BE?" It's an honest question.

"Who's naïve?!"

"Captains who can't follow an obvious train of thought!"

"Vice-captains who insult their captains can be on Skippy duty for a week!"

"Skippy duty!" She's not going to let him ruin her moment of revenge. "I think you’re trying to avoid the subject because you know what's short."

At last, he goes red. "How would you know?!"

She points her nose in the air the way they taught her before the ceremony that made her adoption into Kuchiki house official. "I can just tell."

"Whatever, it's not like you have anything to compare," he growls.

She feels her face go hot again. "My– I'm—" How dare he! "They – they're perky, asshole!" Something low in her belly is pulling uncomfortably. She jumps ahead and turns to stand in front of Ichigo. He jerks to a halt, eyes wide. "And also!" She slaps him across the face.

"OW!" He holds his hand over his cheek. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"

She turns sharply and begins to walk away. "For being a jackass!" God dammit.

"Rukia! You bitch, I wasn't—" he cuts himself off, and she hears him trot up behind her. When he's beside her again, he hisses, "I wasn't talking about your – your – about that! Um. Th-those."

Oh. "…Oh. Well. Good. Don't."

"Fine! And you don't talk about THAT, either!" Out of the corner of her eye, she can see he's still blushing furiously. She should just agree and forget this whole conversation ever happened.

But – "Not my fault you're so sensitive."

"I AM NOT SENSITIVE." He glares at her. "You just shouldn't TALK ABOUT IT."

She snorts. "Because you're sensitive. I bruised your delicate male ego. It's okay, you can admit it."

"Would you shut the hell up! At least I didn't SLAP YOU." He points at her. "What kind of double standard is that?!" Then he turns away, muttering something that sounds like, "…you wonder why people'd say you'd be violent in bed…"

"Well, so what if I am sensitive?" Rukia says, clenching her fists and glaring into the distance. "We can't all be Matsumoto or, or Inoue. At least I can admit it!"

It takes her a few steps to realize Ichigo's just staring at her. "What!" she barks.

"You…" he looks away. "That's… I mean, er… they're… good. It's good. Because, you know, Matsumoto and… they can be, um, overwhelming."

She almost hits him again, but she needs both arms to fold them over her chest. "So glad I can underwhelm you, you bastard."

Ichigo folds his own arms. "Che. You are such a bitch."

She ignores him.

"And I am NOT… short."

Slowly, she looks at him. "Prove it." His eyes practically pop out of his face. His mouth works like he wants to say something, but no sound comes out. Rukia shakes her head. "You see, Ichigo, this is why I'll always win these fights. Because you just can't—"

"F-FINE."

"…WHAT?!"

He glares at her. "I said FINE. If it will get you to SHUT UP? FINE."

Rukia looks around sharply. There is no one very close to them, but the street is not deserted, either. "You're actually going to – right here?!"

"Hell no not HERE, moron!" He scans the area, screwing up his mouth. She watches him. Finally, he points. "Over – over there. Where it's dark. And there's no one around." He doesn't wait for her response, just grabs her wrist and starts walking toward the nearest alley.

"I can't believe you're going to go through with this," she says, allowing herself to be dragged along.

"Shut. Up," he hisses.

"This is so unprofessional," she observes as they step into the darkness inside the alley.

"Shut UP." He backs up against the wall, almost as far down the alley as it's possible to go. "You're the one who wanted me to prove it, so don't bitch about where."

"I didn't think you'd actually go through with it!" She watches, wide-eyed, as he begins to fumble with his hakama.

"Che. Underestimating me as usual." His voice is cocky, but Rukia has her eyes on his hands, and they're uncharacteristically clumsy.

"Need help?" she asks, partly to tease him, but partly because she finds herself intensely curious, and wants him to hurry up.

"NO." He's made the outer knot worse.

"You seem nervous, Captain Kurosaki~!" She looks up at his face and beams the way she knows he hates.

She hears fabric tear, and looks back down. "Dammit, don't DO that," he says.

"You fool, now you're not going to be able to tie that again!"

"Idiot, I'll just… only wrap it around once." Something in his voice makes her look up again, to watch his face even as his hands reach to tug at his inner kimono. His eyes are closed, his face tense and turned away. Even in the shadows of the alley, she can see that he's red all the way down his neck.

Slowly, she lowers her eyes. And there …it is, resting in his open palm.

"Satisfied?" he growls, more at the wall than at her.

"Hmm," she says. She can't take her eyes off it. It's one of the ugliest things she's ever seen. But at the same time… it's kind of cute. Like one of those puppies, she thinks, and she wants to laugh, but she remembers his face and understands that if she laughs now Ichigo's ego might never recover. Her fingers itch to pet it.

"Hmm?!" he repeats. "That's it? You – OI."

His skin is dark and surprisingly soft.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

She runs her fingers lightly over the top, up and down, then along the sides. Her knuckles brush his palm.

"THERE ARE PEOPLE AROUND."

She runs her right thumb around the head a few times, then delicately pushes the foreskin back.

"AND…"

She slides her other hand underneath it, over Ichigo's open palm, and closes her fingers around it. Then she opens them again. She lifts her hand slightly, testing the weight of it.

This is Ichigo, she thinks.

With her right hand, she flicks his foreskin back again, and this time it stays back.

"AND… oh fuck."

Closing her left hand around it again, she finally says, "You wanted to prove you're not short, right? Doesn't it help your argument if it's… getting bigger?"

"…Yeah," he says in that slightly strangled voice. "That's, um. A – a good point." His hand falls from under hers.

She smiles a little and tightens her left hand. With the fingers of her right hand, she plays with the exposed head.

Then she starts to slide her left hand slowly up and down along the length of him. His skin moves with her, but underneath… he's hard.

"Is this it?" she asks after a few moments.

"Huh?" His breathing is hard too. "…is? …Oh. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's… as bigasit… er… gets."

"I see," she says, and stretches her right hand out along his length. Her hand seems small. This is his… his cock, she thinks. The word is stranger than the thing itself.

"You," he says, not quite panting – it strikes her that she wants him to pant – "could… er… should… um. Should stop that. At some point."

"This?" she moves her hand a little faster. "You want me to stop?" She thinks she sounds a little petulant, but he doesn't seem to notice.

"NO," he says, and he sounds alarmed. "I mean, uh. Shit… I mean…"

She likes making his voice sound like that. "Make up your mind, Ichigo." It jumps a little in her hand. She raises her eyebrows.

He mumbles something incoherent.

"I can't hear you, Ichigo." Twitch. Well, that is interesting.

"Youain'tmakin'it…" He almost hides his gasp. "Easytotalk… here…"

Rukia stops moving her hands, but keeps them on him. "Does this help?"

Ichigo breathes. For the first time since she saw his cock, Rukia looks up at his face. He's flushed, scowling, eyes barely open. His head is tilted back, leaning against the wall behind him. She finds herself admiring the line of his neck, and looks away.

"Yes," he says finally.

"Yes it helps? Or yes you want me to stop?" She looks down at her hands, his cock, their legs and feet.

"It helps," he says, and one of his legs shifts a little. "And… I don't… I… dammit."

She waits, oddly tense.

"Dammit Rukia, if I say I don't want you to stop are you gonna just to piss me off?"

Slowly, she smiles, and curls her fingers ever so slightly tighter around him. "Maybe. Does that mean you want me to continue?"

"…yes," he breathes, voice surprisingly small. She can see his hands, curled into fists at his sides. Does he really think she's going to refuse?

She starts stroking again, up and down, up and down, and his whole body sags back against the wall. "…ngh…" he says.

Rukia smiles again, and swirls her thumb around the head. She presses her fingers to the tip, where a tiny bead of… something… has gathered.

"…fuck," Ichigo gasps.

Rukia starts tugging faster, a little harder, using both hands now.

"Rukia," he says, and a tiny thrill starts in her stomach. Then, "Wait… wait a sec, Rukia." She slows, frowning.

"Yes?" She doesn't look up.

"You… uh. Could you, er… lick your hand?"

"What?"

"Friction. Cuts friction. Uh, makes it… makes it easier."

"Oh." Well, that makes sense, she supposes. She lifts her right hand, gives it a cursory lick across the palm, and puts it back to work. "Better?"

"Uhh… not really."

She glances up at his face, annoyed. His scowl is faint, barely there in the half nervous, half hopeful look, and Rukia softens a little. "You do it, then," she says, and holds her hand up in his face.

He stares at it. "You… want me to lick your hand?"

She waves it around a little. "Obviously!"

He gets an odd expression as he slowly raises his left hand and grabs her wrist. Then he touches his tongue to her palm quickly, and Rukia's other hand, skimming around his cock, stills. She watches his face, feels his tongue flicking over her skin, and suddenly the air in the alley is much heavier than it was a moment ago.

Through her fingers, Ichigo meets her eyes and, after a moment, slows down. He licks her hand carefully, covering each finger, runs the point of his tongue along the lines in her palm.

Rukia's breath hitches a little.

Ichigo releases her hand.

She has to stare at it for a moment before she remembers what she's supposed to be doing with it. Then she wraps it around the base of his cock and pulls. Her hand slips easily over his skin, and she falls into a rhythm.

Not looking up, she holds her left hand up to him.

"This one too?"

"No, I just find it comfortable holding my arm up in the air like this."

"Bitch," he says, and his voice is strained, but not with irritation.

His grip on her wrist is tighter this time, and his tongue traces over her skin in the same rhythm as her hand on his cock. One at a time he takes her fingers into his mouth, soft lips and tongue working them strongly, scraping them gently with his teeth.

When he gets to her ring finger Rukia lets her head sink onto his chest.

He stops.

Rukia raises her head. Her hand falters on his cock. "What?" She keeps stroking him, but her rhythm is broken.

"…Nothing," Ichigo says. He sucks on her pinky, quickly, then drops her hand.

Rukia eyes him for a moment longer, but he looks away. She looks down. She has to suppress a sigh as she takes his cock between the palms of her hands. She works them slowly over him, then scrapes him delicately with her nails, and is oddly reassured, not by the breath Ichigo sucks in, but by the way his cock twitches slightly under her hands. She strokes him, and begins to pick up speed again.

"…you didn't have to move," Ichigo mumbles after a minute.

Rukia watches her hands moving over him. "I… just needed to catch my breath for a moment."

"…Aa."

Rukia is trying to shift her hands a little without breaking the rhythm – her arms are beginning to tire – when Ichigo suddenly gasps, "THERE."

She glances up. "Huh?"

"Do… do that again."

She looks back down and shifts her hands again.

"No… not…"

She shifts them back. When her fingers press against the ridge along the bottom of his cock, his hips jerk and he says, "THAT."

"Interesting," she breathes.

Rukia runs her fingers along the line there as she strokes him, and Ichigo groans.

"Yes," he pants, "there… keep… ah, fuck… fuck, I needtolick… your hand again."

"All right," she says, too quickly, and holds up her right hand. She keeps working him with her left.

He supports her hand in both of his, and starts on her fingers. Bastard.

She focuses on his cock, covering as much of it as she can with just her left hand, always coming back to that spot along the bottom. His hips twitch every time she touches it.

He licks her hand thoroughly, dipping his tongue into the space between each of her fingers, running it up and around, over her fingertips, before drawing each finger fully into his mouth. He sucks them rhythmically. He covers her palm from one side to the other with wet lips and tongue, almost open-mouthed kisses.

Rukia keeps her head down, eyes on his cock in her hand. She is breathing harder than she should, but she resists leaning on him again.

Until he starts a second round on her fingers. A tiny sound escapes her, and her head falls against his chest. Her left shoulder follows.

Ichigo doesn't let up on her hand.

She's leaning into him and her left arm, still working him, is tucked against his body. He's holding her right arm up as he licks it without any help from her. When he increases the speed of his rhythm on her fingers, she follows, slipping her left hand faster over his cock, all the way up, pressing the head with her thumb at the end of each stroke.

Ichigo makes an approving noise, somewhere between a grunt and a moan. He goes over her palm again, finishing, finally, with his lips against its center.

She waits for him to let go. He doesn't. His left hand turns on her wrist and he brings both their hands down. She watches him slide his hand around behind hers, engulfing it. He places her hand on his cock, keeps his hand over hers.

"Ichigo!"

"Just… like this," he says, moving their hands together.

"Aa…" she says.

She doesn't know what to do with her left hand. Ichigo's hand is too big to keep it on his cock with her other hand, and she can't get it out of the way without untucking her arm from his body. And… she doesn't want to do that. He's warm – very warm. And she likes the way it lets her feel the tension that moves through his body with their stroking. She settles for grabbing the edge of his captain's haori, keeping her hand up and out of the way.

"Shit… Rukia…"

Ichigo is moving their hands faster over his cock, a steadily building rhythm Rukia picks up easily. She slides her hand slightly out from under his, curling it so she can get her thumb onto that spot on the underside.

"Ohfuck," he pants, "oh shit. Shit. SHIT."

"Ichigo…" she breathes, and then he's stroking her hand right off his cock, fumbling for her shoulder with his right hand, pushing her to the side. She stumbles back, startled, then annoyed. "Ichigo!" His face is tense, eyes squeezed shut, jaw clenched. It looks like he's in pain.

Then his face goes slack and he really sags against the wall, sinking roughly down it until he's sitting on the ground. Rukia starts to go over to him, then, out of the corner of her eye, notices a… spot on the ground a little way in front of him.

Oh, she thinks.

She goes to his side and crouches by his knee. "Well," she says, "it did take longer than a minute."

He cracks open one eye and glares at her. "Shut up," he says, still breathing heavily.

She feels a smirk coming on. "You look awfully worn out."

He closes his eye again. "I'm fine."

"Am I going to have to carry you back to the division offices?"

"NO."

"If you're sure."

"I'm FINE." He takes a few deep breaths, then opens his eyes and starts inching his way back up the wall.

Rukia stands and watches. He really is worn out. She's kind of proud.

Ichigo stumbles a little as he pushes himself off the wall. "Just a little lightheaded," he says, glaring at her.

"I see," she smirks.

He turns away from her, fumbling with his hakama.

"How modest Captain Kurosaki is!"

He turns back around, glaring, but all tucked in. Then he reaches up and flicks his thumb across her cheek. "There," he says.

Rukia stares at him, wide-eyed. "What was that!"

He flushes, but grins at her. "Nothing, Vice-Captain Kuchiki."

"…We should return to the offices," she says primly.

"My thoughts exactly," he says.

"And shower."

His eyes start to go wide. "Sh-shower?"

She frowns at him. "What is that face for?"

Abruptly, the look is gone. "N-nothing. Absolutely nothing."

She watches his face for another moment, but can't figure out his expression. Shrugging a little, she walks past him toward the mouth of the alley. She gets as close to the street as she can without stepping out of the shadow and looks around.

Turning back to Ichigo, she says, "Looks like the coast is –" She notices how red he is and stops. "Stop blushing, you fool! We're going to see people we know on the way back!"

"I know that!" He makes a pathetic attempt to set his face in its usual scowl.

Rukia rolls her eyes, then marches over and kicks him in the shin.

"OW!"

"Perhaps we should go back by the roofs."

He rubs his leg. "Perhaps I should."

"…Right," she says. "Well. I'll… meet you in the office, then."

He nods. She wants to hesitate, but there's no excuse for it. She turns and walks toward the street.

She's a few steps from the end when he calls, "Rukia!" She turns immediately. "Which way is home again?"

She points.

"Right. …Thanks."

She nods and turns around. Then she steps out into the sunlit street, blinking against the brightness of the day.

Between Ban Kai and Boredom

2006-06-06T21:16:47Z

The weeks between demonstrating his bankai to technically make captain and actually being instated were some of the longest of Ichigo's… death.

When he'd been stuck here before, half the people he knew were stuck in the hospital, and the other half were visiting them. It had been… busy. But now everyone else had duties to perform.

"Normally you'd continue with your usual duties until you're actually instated," Rukia had explained on the morning after the test, before she went off to do her own job. "But since you don't actually have any…"

He'd hung out with 11th for a few days, but beating people up over and over got kind of boring after a while. Which sucked. Almost as much as getting beat up. Kenpachi'd told him he was dragging down the mood and to come back when he stopped sucking.

He'd been by the 9th division offices, but Renji was always pretty busy. He'd said Ichigo was welcome to stick around and see what he was in for, but they kept getting into arguments and Renji's work was starting to pile up. So Ichigo had left him to it.

He'd tried spending some time with the 13th. Ukitake always seemed to be pleased to see him, and would talk to him for a while and then send him along to catch up with Rukia on one of her patrols in Rukongai. That wasn't exactly fun, but it was less weird than pretty much everything else there was to do here.

Rukia never greeted him when he showed up, just started explaining the assignment and what he could do to help. If she were working alone, or with Sentarou and Kiyone, it wouldn't be too bad, killing Hollows and watching Rukia's crazy bosses tease her and fight each other. But everyone else in the division staaared at him, not the way teachers or assholes who thought it would be fun to pick on him because of his hair stared – he was used to that and wouldn't have cared. No, they stared like he was some old friend returned from the dead, like they wanted desperately to talk to him but were too afraid. He knew they were looking at him and seeing that Shiba Kaien guy, and it pissed him off.

"Has it occurred to you that they're staring because you're the ryoka who tore up Sereitei a year ago?" Rukia asked after he snapped at a few of them that they should take a picture, it'd last longer.

"Has it occurred to you that I don't care?" he retorted.

"If you didn't care," Rukia replied, stepping over a severed tentacle and walking past him, "you would ignore them, like you ignored all the humans who stared at you when you were alive."

She was right, so Ichigo ignored her and stormed past to slash one of the legs out from under the Hollow that Kiyone and Sentarou were fighting.

"Stop wasting time, Ichigo," Rukia said, and then she sliced through the Hollow's mask.

"'Stop wasting time'?" he repeated. "What the hell else is there for me to do?"

"If you refuse to take this opportunity to relax," she replied coolly, sheathing Shirayuki, "you might try learning some kidou. Or you could actually make some effort to be involved in the preparations they're making for your division."

"How can I be involved when they're not even telling me anything about who they're considering for my vice-captain?" He stuck Zangetsu's point into the ground, hard.

"Put that away," Rukia said. "We have to keep moving. And you will get final approval of… whoever they choose for your vice-captain… soon enough."

She looked away, and he felt – to his great annoyance – vaguely guilty. She'd been getting progressively weirder every time he mentioned the vice-captain situation. He thought about beating Byakuya up again over that 'no promotions' thing. It was the stupidest way of protecting somebody he'd ever heard. But Rukia said things were a lot better with her brother, and the fact was Byakuya didn't much like Ichigo as it was. Interfering would probably just make things worse, and anyway, Rukia would kill him.

He stuck around till the end of the patrol and then let Sentarou and Kiyone talk him into going to a bar in the 32nd district. Rukia said she'd meet them there and took off.

He knew Kiyone and Sentarou were trying to include him in their conversation, but they kept veering off into arguments. Ichigo didn't mind. He just sat and listened to them, and drank.

He was on his third glass when Rukia showed up. She had Renji with her.

"Whatcha drinkin', idiot?" Renji asked, and instead of waiting for an answer he reached over Ichigo's shoulder, grabbed his glass, and drained it.

"OI!"

"Bartender!" Renji slapped the bar and sat down. "Two more a'these draft beers, and a hot sake for the nobility!"

"You better be buying," Ichigo grumbled.

"That's right, cheap-ass, I'm buying. What'sa matter with you today?"

"Nothing except you drinking my beer!"

"You're lucky I let you drink at all, you underage punk."

Ichigo snorted. "Like you could stop me."

"Idiots," Rukia said from Renji's other side, "do you think we could wait until after I've had a few drinks to get us kicked out for fighting?" She took a prim sip of her sake, looking straight ahead.

"That only happened once," Renji growled. "And it was your fault."

She set her sake down hard. Not a drop spilled. "How was it my fault?!"

Ichigo wished the bartender would fill those beer glasses faster.

"Who threw the first kick?"

"You deserved that."

"The hell I did!"

The bartender slid their drinks across the bar. Ichigo pulled his beer in and drank a third of it in one gulp. He was going to do the same to Renji's, but Renji had already snatched his own glass and was holding it protectively. From him or from Rukia, Ichigo wasn't sure.

Renji kept elbowing him and telling Ichigo to back him up, and Rukia was pretty much demanding the same thing in-between sips of her sake. Ichigo knew this was their idea of cheering him up, and if he had had any fucking clue what they were talking about, it might even have worked.

But they kept falling back into arguments about shit that had happened when they were kids growing up in Rukongai, and Ichigo kept thinking that there was no one here who knew him when he was a kid. No sisters to take care of, no crazy dad kicking him every morning. No Tatsuki, even. No one who remembered his mother.

Sure, Rukia knew about her, but it wasn't the same. Rukia hadn't known Mom, her real smile and her laugh and the way she made the whole world brighter. Even if –

It was sort of possible he was drunk.

"Ichigo?"

He realized he was staring at the bits of foam left at the bottom of his beer glass. He looked at Rukia, who had gotten out of her seat and was leaning on the bar next to him. "Huh?"

She fiddled with her sake bowl. "It won't be long."

He blinked, trying to make her expression settle into something that made sense. "What won't?"

"Your captaincy will go through soon. And then you will be able…"

Then he'd be able to open doors to and from the human world whenever he wanted. See his family. These few weeks weren't – shouldn't be – a big deal. Dad and Yuzu and Karin knew where he was, and that he was okay and that they'd see him again soon. He felt like an ass for dying but it wasn't his fault and it wasn't the end of everything – it wasn't the end of anything, really, except maybe high school, and almost everyone he knew was well aware of that.

But he didn't have anything to do here. They did everything so slowly – why not, after all, the dead had all the time in the world. But he was bored. And also definitely drunk.

"Not much longer," Rukia said, and bumped his shoulder with hers. He suspected she was drunk too.

"I know," he said.

A few minutes later she was arguing with Renji again. When Kiyone and Sentarou joined in, Ichigo snuck out.

***

"Ah," said Rukia. "I knew I'd find you here."

When he wasn't back in his temporary quarters getting sick, or in the 11th division training room getting into fights, she'd known that this was the only place left to look. And when she felt the wind slide through her hair out here, she'd known she was right, even before she spotted him. He was sitting in the grass with Kuukaku and Ganju, his back to her, drinking what she hoped was tea. Dumbass. Not that she didn't understand.

Ichigo turned and looked up at her over his shoulder. "Rukia," he said, and she thought he sounded a little sheepish, though she couldn't see his expression well. The wind was stirring his hair, brushing it over his face. It was always so windy on the Shiba grounds. "Uh. Tea?" Ichigo said, holding up his cup.

"What are you doing, Ichigo?!" Ganju cried. "I thought this was a family ev—"

Ichigo elbowed Ganju with the arm holding the teacup, spilling tea all over Ganju's arm. At the same time, Kuukaku punched Ganju in the head. She did not spill her tea. Rukia admired her technique. Ganju howled.

"Come sit with us, Rukia," Kuukaku said, gesturing at a spot between herself and Ichigo.

Rukia hesitated, squeezing the fingers of one hand inside the other. "I do not wish to intrude," she said. Ichigo's family, would she ever get used to that?

"Shut up and sit down," Kuukaku said.

Sometimes the shocking thing was that she hadn't figured it out a year ago.

Ichigo wasn't looking at her. Rukia sat down slowly.

"I was telling Ichigo about the history of the Shiba estate," Kuukaku said with a wicked grin as she passed Rukia a teacup. "Ganju, pour."

Ganju poured.

***

"You don't like patrolling with – us," Rukia said as they walked back toward Seireitei a few hours later. She watched Ichigo from the corner of her eye. He'd seemed better – less mopey – over tea and she didn't want to ruin that, but if she could actually get him to talk to her or even argue properly, then maybe she'd have a better idea what to do when the moping came back. It was very annoying.

He shrugged. "Sentarou and Kiyone are fine," he said. "Those other guys in your squad…"

Rukia sighed. "They stare."

"Constantly."

She did not understand why this had suddenly become a problem. "You are famous in Soul Society, Ichigo. And when you are a captain, lower-level shinigami will always stare." As they always have.

"That is not hey-check-out-the-famous-guy staring, Rukia," he said, giving her a look that said this should be obvious. She thought nothing had been obvious since he died. "They're all… they think I look like that guy."

Rukia took a sharp breath. Then let it out slowly. She should have known when she found him on the Shiba estate – but perhaps nothing could prepare her to talk about this. She knew – had known – that this was a minefield of sensitive subjects, but suddenly she wasn't sure which of them would be hurt. She didn't know how to make sure it was only herself. "It's not surprising, is it?" she ventured. "That you should look like your cousin."

"That's not the point."

"What is the point?" she huffed, frustrated. At least if she blew up the mines she'd know where they were. "Since when do you care what people think of the way you look, anyway?"

"I don't! …I don't." He sighed harshly and looked away, scrubbing a hand over his hair.

She watched his profile, raising her eyebrows, waiting for him to start making sense.

After a moment he looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "What!"

"I am waiting for you to start making sense," she explained generously. "Fool."

He took a deep breath and looked at her. "This Kaien guy," he said. "My cousin. He was your vice-captain."

It was instinct to pull her eyes away, to duck her head, to hide behind her hair. She forced herself not to, clenching her fists and meeting Ichigo's eyes as evenly as she could. Her chest constricted with the effort. She was not ready for this. She had faced Kaien's family and been, impossibly, forgiven; she had even begun to forgive herself. But to talk about it now, with Ichigo… Ichigo had never known Kaien. She had robbed him of nothing when Kaien died on her sword. To tell him about it should be easier. It was not. "He was," she said, and her voice was steady. This was not about her.

"The one you had to kill."

I'm sorry, she thought. She did not know who the thought was for. She could say nothing.

"Don't you think… I mean, I'm not…"

And suddenly she understood. "Ichigo," she said, and kicked him hard in the back of the knee, so he stumbled sideways. "Quit being a moron."

"QUIT KICKING ME!" He tried to elbow her as he stood back up, but she ducked it easily.

"Stop whining and listen to me."

He rubbed his leg and glared at her, but he was listening.

"Kaien-dono was an excellent leader and… a good friend, to many in my division. He was my first friend, after the Kuchiki adopted me." Again the urge to stare at the ground fired along her nerves, but Ichigo's eyes held her. He was such an idiot. "But the ones who look at you and see him… they are the ones who did not know him well." She paused. She could not tell Ichigo that the differences were obvious or that the resemblance was only superficial – there were many ways that he was very much like Kaien-dono, and there would always be those who looked at Ichigo and saw his dead cousin. But not her.

Ichigo is Ichigo, she thought, but she imagined saying it and grimaced. "Kaien-dono," she said finally, "would never have been seen with such ridiculous orange hair."

"Oi, what's wrong with my hair?!" he snapped, scowling. It was a normal scowl.

"Nothing," she said, and smiled at him. "Nothing."

"Damn right nothing's wrong with it," he muttered, looking away, but she saw the edge of a grin. "I ain't gonna change it, anyway."

"I would cause you great bodily harm if you ever did," she agreed.

How to Unsing Heroes (The Voice of Reason Tells No Tales)

2006-02-25T08:52:20Z

For the first six years, everyone in the division and out of it knows the story.

But then the first class whose members were still largely living in Rukongai when everything went down graduates from the academy, and suddenly every new recruit is arriving at the division wondering if the rumors are true.

After the first time, Ichigo declares Skippy forbidden from attempting to set the record straight. Skippy still finds ways to suggest his own ideas about what happened, of course, but at least some of the others run preemptive damage control.

The rumors are close enough to the truth for the first few decades. Yes, Kawazoe explains coldly to each crop of rookies (they always have Kawazoe do it now – Makoto and Miharu and even Hanatarou are better than Skippy, but they're all inclined to get a little sentimental about the story), your captain was a shinigami before he died. Yes, your vice-captain was almost executed for making him one and yes, he broke into Soul Society to save her. You can see for yourselves that he succeeded.

I heard he had a team of Quincies with him, someone will say, tentatively.

He had three human companions with him, but only one was a Quincy, Kawazoe answers. He visits once in a while. You're not to stare.

I heard he was born with bankai.

The captain had to train to achieve bankai, just like everyone else.

I heard he beat a bunch of captains without even being trained, they'll say, and later: I heard he killed all the captains.

He didn't kill anyone, Kawazoe will say sharply. Not one shinigami died at the hands of Captain Kurosaki while he was a ryoka, nor at the hands of his companions. He simply defeated the people who stood in his way; namely Captains Kuchiki, Zaraki, and Abarai – though Abarai was only a vice-captain at the time. You will notice all three are still very much alive.

Some of them will look relieved as Kawazoe discredits the rumors. More will look let down. Kawazoe doesn't feel guilty for disappointing them; he does not think it benefits anyone to have the troops caught up in hero-worship of the captain, so he does his best to convince them that Kurosaki Ichigo is a captain just like any other.

Unfortunately, there are still those things that the rumor mill gets right.

Does he really walk around with his sword in its first level released state all the time?

He does.

I heard he made Captain within a week of his death!

Kawazoe sighs. Within a week of his death, yes. But remember he had been a shinigami for some time before he died.

People say he destroyed Soukyouku all by himself.

He stopped it with his zanpakutou once, Kawazoe will say. But just once. Captains Ukitake and Shunsui actually destroyed it. The recruits will frown skeptically. They are sure this rumor comes from reliable sources. Kawazoe will glare and admit that Captain Kurosaki destroyed the stand.

I heard he's some kind of monster, they'll start saying after a decade or two. I heard that only Kuchiki can control him. That that's why she's his vice-captain.

Kawazoe will raise his eyebrows and say with some force, Captain Kurosaki is certainly not a monster. Vice-Captain Kuchiki is his friend and he trusts her advice, but she does not control him.

Some grumpy young kid in the back will pipe up, I heard she should really be the captain, but he stole her power.

Once, Kawazoe will answer, long ago, when they first met, the Captain did borrow Vice-Captain Kuchiki's power. But it was freely given, and given back. His power has been his own since the first time he set foot in Soul Society. Kawazoe does not mention that Vice-Captain Kuchiki has turned down further promotion more than once.

I heard Kuchiki house still won't let them get married!

Kawazoe will resist rolling his eyes, and phrase his answer carefully: the captain and vice-captain have never expressed any interest in getting married.

I bet it's because she's always kicking him, someone will grumble, usually a tough-looking guy trying to hide his disappointment.

That part may be true, Kawazoe will concede. In later years he'll have to hide a smile.

Kawazoe knows that the rumors he dismisses are just the tip of the iceberg – the recruits rarely have the courage to mention the really wild ones. Sometimes one or two will come up to him after he's dismissed the room, and ask nervously, is it true that the Kuchikis abandoned the vice-captain in Rukongai when she was born because she was so wild? And that she came back for revenge?

Vice-Captain Kuchiki grew up in Rukongai because she died young in the mortal world. Why Kuchiki house adopted her is their own business, but she is on excellent terms with them.

A gentle-looking boy will step up and whisper, was the captain's mother really a Hollow?

Of course not.

Did Vice-Captain Kuchiki really kill the old vice-captain?

Vice-Captain Kuchiki has been the vice-captain of this division as long as Kurosaki has been captain. There has been no one else since before the division was retired a century ago, Kawazoe will answer. He knows where this rumor comes from, knows about Shiba Kaien. But that is not his story to tell.

The captain trusts him, and so Kawazoe gives the recruits the most accurate information he can. But he knows there are many more things he cannot tell them. They'll learn soon enough. They always do.

Overheard in the Halls of the Academy on the Evening Before a Guest Lecture by Captain Kurosaki

2006-02-23T04:51:33Z

"I heard she gave him her powers because she fell in love with him at first sight, and wanted him to be able to see her."

"No way! He totally fell in love with her first, and became a shinigami to be near her! That's why he came to rescue her and stuff."

"Besides, who would fall in love with Captain Kurosaki first?"

"What? He's totally hot!"

"Ooooh, Kanisawa has a cru~ush!"

"Shut up!"

"Make me!"

[sound of scuffling]

"By DOSE!"

"You deserved it!"

"Come on, guys…"

***

"He totally kept the vice-captain locked in his closet for like, months."

"No he didn't…"

"Did! I heard it too, from Yumiko-chan, and she knows someone in the division. She said she heard he never let her out, not once."

"I bet he did all kinds of immoral things to her."

"Ew, that's gross!"

"And when she finally escaped, he chased her all the way to Soul Society. They put her in the Senzaikyu to protect her from him."

"Didn't work very well, did it?"

***

"That guy? I bet he's sleeping with the Captain of the 9th."

"Abarai? No way! I heard they fight all the time."

"They DO! I saw them once. All up in each other's faces! Sexual tension you could cut with a knife."

"Wow, really?"

"I swear. And he's definitely gay. I hear he CRIES at the sight of breasts."

***

"I think he's some kind of experiment of Captain Mayuri's that escaped."

"You're an idiot."

"Think about it! He can't be a normal shinigami, they made him a Captain like two days after he died!"

"I think it was a little longer than that…"

"The point is, he's a freak! They say Captain Kuchiki killed him twice and he just kept coming back!"

"I did hear that the traitor cut him in half and he just kept on fighting."

"Yes! Exactly! Doesn't that sound a little zombie-ish to you?"

"It's freaky, Takahashi, but I haven't heard anything about him eating any brains."

"I don't think it's safe to have a zombie in the Gotei 13."

"Oh, and what are you gonna do about it?"

"…Just watch out for him. And one day, when we get out of here, when we're strong enough, we'll take him out for the good of Soul Society!"

"Yeah right. Zombie or not, he'll kick your ass!"

"Not in a few decades, he won't!"

"He destroyed the Soukyouku with his BARE HANDS! You're never gonna be that strong!"

"Shut up! Just because I'm not a ZOMBIE!"

***

"Did you know Kuchiki Rukia was adopted?"

"Midori was saying that the other day. But why would the Kuchikis adopt someone?"

"She must be someone's illegitimate kid."

"Whose? CAPTAIN Kuchiki's?"

"I dare you to go say that outside his office."

"NO WAY. Anyway, who else could it be?"

[moment of silence]

"…who do you think slept with him?"

"Ugghhhh, nobody! He's FREAKY."

"I dare you to go say that outside his office."

"I dare you to shut up!"

***

"Didn't Kurosaki slaughter the Central 46?"

"No, that was that Aizen dude."

"That's what they SAY. But didn't they all get killed right when Kurosaki showed up?"

"I guess."

"And you really think that's coincidence?"

***

"I heard that guy beat up the whole 11th division at once, just for fun."

"Even the captain?!"

"The captain first! He didn't even release his zanpakutou."

"That can't be right, moron, doesn't he walk around with his zanpakutou released all the time?"

"Oh yeah."

[snickering]

"Well – well, I guess he just, he didn't use his bankai! But I mean STILL. The whole 11th! I think it was his morning warm up."

"Hmph. I bet he didn't really beat them. He probably tricked them all into fighting each other. It wouldn't be that hard."

"Watanabe!"

"Either that or he was on drugs."

***

"Kuchiki's not his original vice-captain, you know."

"What? Of course she is, she's the one he slaughtered half of Soul Society to rescue and whatever."

"No, I know, but he picked some other dude first, I forget his name. And she KILLED him. I kid you not, Kuchiki was so fuckin' jealous someone else got the promotion she up and killed the guy, her own vice! So now she's the vice-captain."

"Scary…"

"You have no idea. They went out together one night, and only she came back. And when they went to look for him, all they found was a PILLAR OF ICE. In the shape of a body, with the face all twisted in pain."

"Okay, now you're just making shit up."

"No, no, it's true! And they say his ghost still walks the streets of Sereitei, seeking vengeance…"

"WE are ghosts, idiot!"

***

"I hear that before he came to Soul Society, he was training with the crazy exile."

"Which one?"

"Heh. Uh, the Urahara guy."

"The BABYEATER?"

"Ew! …I wonder if Captain Kurosaki eats babies now."

"I bet he gets them from the 12th."

"I bet he goes back to earth and has babyeating festivals when no one's looking."

"Do you think Kuchiki goes, too?"

"I bet Captain Kuchiki does."

"Do you think they go together?"

"But the captain HATES Kurosaki!"

"I dunno, man. Eating babies makes you do strange stuff."

***

Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in Division 15

2006-02-14T00:18:24Z

Not allowed to replace my Captain's shampoo with black hair dye.
"Seated officer" does not mean an officer to be used as a chair, no matter how tired my legs are.
Not allowed to arrange battles to the death between my Captain and the Captain of the 11th Division.
Not allowed to sell tickets to said battle.
My zanpakutou is not a culinary tool.
Not allowed to let my zanpakutou guard my post on his own.
I was not the Emperor of America when I was alive.
My Captain's haori does not look better in pink. Pink clashes with his hair.
Strawberries are not appropriate material for dartboard construction.
Not allowed to tell new recruits that the Vice-Captain likes to be greeted with a kick to the head. That only worked for the Captain.
It is still gender discrimination to tell the new female recruits that 10th Division Vice-Captain Matusmoto's robes are regulation standard even if I do it to see the Captain freak out as much as to see their cleavage.
When performing soul burials, I may not tell the Plus ghosts that they are going to the land of Moog, ruled by the Morally Ambiguous Overlord Zan.
My Vice-Captain is not an armrest, even if she is the right size for it.
A pillow fort in the corner of the division offices is not an Emergency Aizen Fallout Shelter.
Putting on the hair noodles does not make me a noble. And they're called keisenkan, not hair noodles.
Take off the hair noodles.
The Hamster Dance is not a high-level demon arts attack to confuse my enemies.
I am not authorized to give special guest lectures at the Academy.
Not allowed to visit the Academy to see the first-years off on their very first field mission and write down their last words.
A Quincy cape is not a Shinigami uniform accessory, even if I paid good money for it.
Not allowed to take the wallets from corpses on whose ghosts I have just performed soul burials, even though they won't be needing them anymore anyway.
Maniacal laughter is not an appropriate response to receiving a promotion.
Just because the Captain runs around with his sword in its first level released state does not mean I can, no matter how funny it is to see people bouncing around the division offices.
Not allowed to wear a skeleton mask and a hood and modify my zanpakutou's hilt to make it look like a scythe when I go to perform soul burials on Americans, to make them "feel more at home."
4th Division Captain Unohana was trying to heal my concussion, not eat my brain.
When a superior officer gives me an order, "are you INSANE?" is not the correct response.
I cannot claim the Captain's desk in the name of England, not even if I brought a flag.
Zangetsu is not a pimp, and no, I cannot borrow his coat.
No one wants to buy my soul.
Not allowed to address my Captain by any of the terms my Vice-Captain uses to address him, especially not idiot, moron, dumbass, fool, simpleton, lummox, brat, or asshole, not even when he is being those things.
When another Shinigami calls for backup, they are not advising me to retreat.
Not allowed to have my squad defect to the Hollow's side, not even to give it a sporting chance.
Not allowed to create a new division and name myself Captain.
Not allowed to train Hell Moths to address 11th Division members as "assbandits."
Sock puppets cannot be enrolled in the Academy, whether or not they have spiritual power.
Not allowed to organize protests to defend the rights of sock puppets.
Not allowed to perform my duties blindfolded.
I am not our last defense against Aizen's hypnosis.
Posters depicting proper dental hygiene, hung in the Captain's office, are not funny.
Neither are posters explaining the potential dangers of nitrus oxide. It doesn't matter how many people are laughing.
Not allowed to taunt minor Plus ghosts in my district until they become Hollows.
Not allowed to taunt minor Plus ghosts in other peoples' districts until they become Hollows.
Not allowed to refer to my subordinates as "extras," "redshirts," or "expendable" – at least not in front of them.
Not allowed to paint a flower on 11th Division Captain Zaraki's eyepatch.
The 14th Division does not exist solely for my entertainment. Stop ordering them to dance.
Not allowed to threaten to take revenge on commanding officers using voodoo dolls.
Not allowed to ask for hair samples for voodoo purposes.
Voodoo dolls are not action figures.
If I am going to take pictures of my commanding officers in compromising positions, I should not show the pictures off to the rest of the division when the officer(s) in question is/are standing behind me.
My squad is not an 'away team' and telling them to set their phasers to stun/kill/nuclear holocaust only confuses them.
Not allowed to make my squad write rebuttals to the Vice-Captain's evaluation of my leadership.
Not allowed to say the Captain is "out with his ho" when he is on a mission with Vice-Captain Kuchiki.
The way to alert my colleagues to an approaching Hollow is not, "I sense a disturbance in the Force."
Not allowed to "borrow" 12th Division Captain Mayuri's mask.
"Noogie Patrol" is not one of my duties.
There is no buried treasure in the division offices.
My zanpakutou is not a shovel.
Not allowed to advise Hollows to "think really hard about what they've done" instead of killing them.
Not allowed to send love letters to the Captain on behalf of Matsuo, Vice-Captain Kuchiki, 9th Division Captain Abarai, or any of Captain Kurosaki's human friends.
My squad's proper title is "Squad 7, 15th Division," not "Skippy's Love-Love Warriors."
I am not authorized to kick students out of the Academy.
Not allowed to tell the Captain what I really think of his plan.
Not allowed to refuse to follow an order on the grounds that "it sounds hard."
I am not a statue.
Not allowed to spank my subordinates when they're bad.
Not allowed to incite rebellion through the use of sponges and silly string.
Not allowed to hold Academy students for ransom, even if they agree to it.
Not allowed to sell my subordinates to 12th Division Captain Mayuri.
Not allowed to hit on Vice-Captain Kuchiki when she's drunk.

To Be Continued

If I'd Known My Fukutaichou was a Lush, I'd Never Let Her Go to Those Damn Meetings

2006-02-13T04:10:04Z

"And you're going to buy them back with your own money," Captain Kurosaki concludes.

"WHAT?" Skippy cries. "But Captain!" This was not the plan!

The captain smirks at him. "But Captain, what? You made money selling them, didn't you?"

"I spent half of it on – on something, already." No need to give away his next trick, after all. "And Captain Mayuri will charge me more than I sold them for, you know he will!"

"Too bad. They're your subordinates; you're responsible for them. Next time sell them to someone who isn't smarter than you are."

Skippy brightens a little at that. "You mean I can sell them to the 11th?"

"THAT IS NOT WHAT I –"

"Hey, Ichigooo~!" Skippy's too startled by the tone of his vice-captain's voice to remember to be relieved she's interrupting the captain mid-yelling. He turns to see her slouched against the office door in a very un-Kuchiki way.

"What the hell is with you?" the captain asks warily.

"Nothing!" she says, and sparkles.

Skippy tries to back away, but bumps into the captain's desk after an inch or two. "Is she possessed, Captain? Do we have to kill her?" He puts a hand on his sword hilt.

"If only," Captain mutters, standing. "Rukia?"

"I would like to ask for a favor, Ichigo," she says, sliding away from the door. Her face is flushed – she's drunk, Skippy realizes. He lets go of his hilt, and grins.

"NO," the captain says, behind him.

"Ichigo! You don't even know what it is!"

"I don't want to know. And would you stop talking like that?!"

"Like what?"

"RUKIA."

"Vice-Captain!" Skippy says, crossing the office and taking her hand. "You're looking lovelier than usual today."

She takes a swing at him, of course, but he dodges and she just laughs when she misses. He's still got her hand in one of his, and he lifts it now, stroking it a little as he says, "Vice-Captain mustn't blame Skippy for admiring her! I would gladly perform whatever favor it is the captain is refusing." And he kisses her hand.

She tilts her head and gives him a calculating look that would make him nervous if he were a lesser shinigami. Kawazoe, for example.

"SKIPPY." Or the captain, of course.

"I'm doing you a favor, Captain! …What is it I'm doing?"

"YOU –"

"Defending my honor," Kuchiki says, all wide-eyed girly helplessness.

"Um, huh?" Skippy says, because… huh? He's always been under the impression that it would damage the Kuchiki honor to let a non-Kuchiki defend it.

"Madarame Ikkaku has insulted my honor." She doesn't seem to have noticed that she's switched off the creepy shoujo voice. She plants her free hand on her hip and glares at the captain as she slips back into a much more normal kind of loud indignance.

"You say that like you think I should CARE."

"You had better," she says, and Skippy suspects they've both forgotten he's there. He hates it when they do that.

"What did that kill-happy bald bastard do, Vice-Captain?" he asks, stroking her hand again to get their attention.

"Ah –"

"SKIPPY."

"Yes, Captain?" he murmurs distractedly, staring into the vice-captain's eyes.

"That's enough."

"Hmmmm?" He pauses his stroking to put a hand on her shoulder. "Madarame will be dealt with, Vice-Captain, I promise you. This outrage will not be allowed to stand."

Kuchiki gets all wobbly-eyed and puts her free hand over Skippy's. "Thank you."

"SKIPPY! NO. FLIRTING. WITH THE VICE-CAPTAIN. WHEN SHE’S DRUNK!"

"That hardly seems fair, Captain!" Skippy cries indignantly.

Kuchiki is half a moment behind him, jerking around to look at the captain as she says, "Who's flirting?!"

"Skippy's flirting, you idiot, and do NOT tell me what you mean by 'not fair,' Skippy, I don't care. Just get out of here and put it on the list."

"What! Captain!"

Rukia snickers.

"Not you too, Vice-Captain!"

"How long is that list now, Skippy-kun~?"

"I think this will be item number 69, Vice-Captain!" It's true, too. He waggles his eyebrows at her.

"Skippy."

"All right, Captain. It's no wonder there are such rumors about you two!" That doesn't get to the captain as it should; he's too used to rumors, too uncaring. He just scowls. Skippy sighs. "I'll—"

"Ichigoooooo!" That's the second time in ten minutes Skippy's been interrupted by someone shouting the captain's given name, and this time sounds even more interesting than the first. It's Madarame Ikkaku. "Get your ass out here and fight me!"

The captain groans.

Skippy grins.

Representing the Interests of Female Shinigami Everywhere

2005-12-01T04:22:08Z

Rukia had always had a vague horror of the Shinigami Women's Association.

Now she attended their bi-weekly meetings.

"Ichi should be next!" Yachiru declares.

"That's actually a good idea," says Matsumoto, leaning over the arm of the couch so her breasts are in Rukia's lap as she hands her a drink. Rukia has been to enough of these meetings now to take the cup and not ask any questions. "He's never been photographed for the calendar, either~!"

"Um." Rukia says. "You realize Ichigo will never agree to any of this."

Soi Fong snorts. "You don't really think Yachiru cares about consent, do you?"

"I…" Rukia looks at Yachiru, writing something in Nanao's notebook with a grin that is… disturbing. Nanao looks resigned.

"Surely Rukia can talk her captain into showing some chest long enough for one of us to snap a picture," Matsumoto says with a sly smile. Rukia chokes on her sake.

Matsumoto slaps her on the back a few times, rather harder than is necessary, but it's no more than Rukia expects – she doesn't have any friends who'd think to slap gently.

"Are you all right?" Matsumoto's grey-blue eyes are large and concerned and right in Rukia's face. All things considered, it's probably an improvement.

"Fine," Rukia says, hacking a little. "Thank you. Ah…"

Matsumoto leans back. "Hmmm?"

"Rukia will do it, won't you!" Kiyone cheers from the other side of the room. Isane, next to her, makes embarrassed shushing motions.

"I don't think so," Rukia says, and it sure is nice to be Kiyone's superior rather than her subordinate.

"But Rukia!"

"Flatty has to do it!" Yachiru wails.

Rukia's head aches. Just when she'd been starting to think these meetings weren't so bad. She should've known better.

"I think you're all confused about the kind of relationship Ichigo and I have," she says, as primly as she can manage – and she is a Kuchiki, so she can manage quite a bit of prim. "I couldn't just ask him to remove his kimono. He'd worry I was ill."

Disappointed and skeptical looks abound. Rukia sinks into the couch cushions a little. "But," she offers.

Expectant silence. Rukia swallows.

"But?" Hinamori prompts gently. Her too? Ichigo's chest? Really?

"But…" Rukia repeats slowly. "If all you want is to see him shirtless… why not get him in a fight?"

"Ehhh?" says Matsumoto. Under the surprise, Rukia thinks she detects a note of pride. She's not sure how to feel about that. She takes a sip from what's left of her sake.

"Or several fights, really. You must have noticed! The more beat up he gets, the less he wears."

"None of us has seen Orange-Head beat up as often as Flatty-Rukia has!" Yachiru says, like this is a tragic failure on her part. Then she brightens. "But I'll tell Ken-chan! He'll be so happy to fight Ichi again!" She gives herself a short round of applause.

Rukia chooses not to point out that Ichigo has been actively avoiding fights with Captain Zaraki since beating him that first time. Instead, she holds her cup out to Matsumoto, who smiles broadly and pours her more sake.

"But someone should get Ichi warmed up for Ken-chan! I can make Cue-ball Head do it…" Yachiru puts a finger to her mouth thoughtfully.

"I wouldn't mind taking a little stab at him myself," Matsumoto says, and winks at Rukia. Rukia frowns. Matsumoto continues, "And isn't Abarai always wanting to fight him?"

"Renji? Well…" Rukia strains to think of something to say that isn't, "yes." She fails.

Hinamori snickers behind her hand. "Abarai-kun will definitely fight Captain Kurosaki if Kuchiki asks! The problem might be to get them to stop fighting…"

"I'm sure that will all lead to excellent photos," Nanao says, pushing up her glasses, "but how will we get the interview?"

Rukia tries to disappear into her sake again.

Welcome to Rukongai

2005-11-30T03:16:15Z

Ichigo rubbed his forehead and waited for the glow to subside.

"Didn't have to do it that hard," he grumbled to no one.

Well, not no one, as it turned out. There were quite a few people circling around him when he could see again.

"Welcome to Rukongai," one of them said, smiling nastily.

Ichigo scowled. "What district is this?"

"Oh, his shinigami explained it to him! How sweet," laughed a little girl. She was perched on the shoulders of a man who was not little.

"77th, South," someone else answered.

"77? Damn," Ichigo said. "Just what I needed, another thing I'll never hear the end of." He pointed at the guy who'd told him where he was, a ragged-looking kid with an eye patch who was about the right size to wear the same size jeans Ichigo was wearing. "Rukia and Renji are from the 78th district! They're gonna say I had it easy. You know how annoying that is?" Well, they were all ragged-looking. Ichigo put a hand on his belt.

They were all starting to mutter. "What is he talking about?" someone said loudly. Someone else was growling.

"So which way is Sereitei?" he asked, turning slowly and squinting at the horizon.

Instead of answering, they jumped him. The first one was fast; Ichigo kicked him in the chest. The rest of them he managed to dodge. He was leaping over some huge stick someone was swinging when he spotted, a long way in the distance, a solitary white tower that was all too familiar.

He turned to his welcoming committee. "Thanks for your help, guys! Sorry I can't stay and… get to know you all better, or something."

A lot of them yelled replies, but Ichigo ignored these as he sprinted off in the direction of the tower. It would ruin his exit to turn around now and keep trading insults with them. Anyway, it would slow him down. And he was supposed to meet Rukia at the gate.

It Was Only a Cavity

2005-11-29T21:36:40Z

She found him in his living room, fighting with his father. Karin was glaring at them both from the couch and Yuzu was clinging to her sister's shoulder, watching helplessly. If it weren't for the broken chain of fate dangling from Ichigo's chest, it might have been any normal day in the Kurosaki household.

Rukia stood with her arms crossed, in front of the wall she'd walked through, and waited for them to notice her.

She expected this to happen when Ichigo, or even Isshin or Karin, sensed her spiritual pressure. She did not expect to be noticed only after Isshin kicked Ichigo across the room, and straight into her.

"What the hell?!" Ichigo yelled into her shin.

"Get off of me, you stupid dead lummox!" Rukia yelled at the same time, though her voice was rather strangled, thanks to the knee on her throat.

"Where have you BEEN?" he demanded as he tried to roll himself off of her. She shoved him helpfully.

"Where have I been? I have been doing my job, and not getting myself killed, unlike–" she hauled herself up till she was sitting against the wall "—some human fools! Can't you be left alone for five minutes?"

"Welcome, Rukia-chan!" Isshin called from where he was now hiding behind Karin.

"Why is everyone acting like this is MY FAULT? I didn't want to die!"

"Then you shouldn't have let yourself be killed, you idiot!" She paused. "How did you die, anyway?"

Ichigo sat up and glared at her. "You don't know?"

"How would I know? You think I stayed to ask for details when I heard you were DEAD?"

He hmphed and turned away, falling back, hard, to lean on the wall beside her.

"Well?"

He muttered something, too low for Rukia to hear.

"My son died laughing," Isshin offered, holding a handkerchief to his eyes. He'd come out from behind Karin, but he was still crouched behind the sofa.

"Shut up, old man!"

Rukia looked back and forth between them. "Laughing?"

"It was a nitrus oxide overdose," Karin explained with a resigned sigh. "Laughing gas."

"Laughing gas. You mean you were having – doing drugs?" She kicked him. "What were you doing drugs for, you simpleton?"

"I was not DOING DRUGS!"

"He was at the dentist." Rukia looked at Karin blankly. Karin rolled her eyes. "The tooth doctor?"

"IT WAS ONLY A CAVITY."

Death of the Strawberry

2005-11-29T01:49:23Z

Kuchiki Rukia slammed her hands down on Captain Ukitake's desk. "He what?"

"I think it would be best if you would perform his soul burial."

"That idiot!" She dug her fingers into the wood.

"I don't think it was his fault, Kuchiki. The officer patrolling the area didn't even notice… actually, I believe Ichigo-kun had to go find him, instead of…" Ukitake let his voice trail off as Kuchiki raged out of his office.

When the door had slammed behind her, he leaned over to examine the cracks spreading out from the new finger-grooves in his desk. And he smiled.

From the Desk of Kurosaki Ichigo

2005-11-28T17:39:21Z

Captain,

The progress reports for the 6th Squad are enclosed.

Kawazoe

Oh Captain, My Captain,

I couldn't finish the progress reports for my squad because they were being a bunch of pansies. I think that one with the pink bandana had some kind of mental breakdown. I only asked her to go first in the examination. Squad 7 of the 11th Division is very unhappy with you right now. I think when you finish taking care of them, you should consider disciplining my squad members yourself. They're just not responding to my spankings anymore.

XOXOXO,
Your Precious Skippy
Squad 7, Strawberry Division

Dear Captain Ichigo,

I have finished the reports for my squad, they're in the envelope here. They have really been making excellent progress since you started overseeing their training. Please continue to help us in the future!

Sincerely,
Hanatarou

Hey Captain,

Sorry about that stuff that got spilled on my reports. Please don't ask me what it is.

From,
Miharu-chan of the Great 4th Squad!!

PS – probably Captain shouldn't touch any of the pages with stuff on them, really.

To the Honorable Captain Kurosaki,

Here are the progress reports for your humble 5th Squad. Your help this quarter has been ~~amazing~~ greatly appreciated and I we all hope you continue to help us become stronger!

Your humble servant,
Matsuo Makoto

Read the reports yourself this time, Ichigo. I'm busy. Oh, and I hear Kenpachi is looking for you again.

Rukia